Friday, January 29, 2010

Time Trials

"There's always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to look for it. For example, I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don't hurt."
-- Author Unknown

Have you ever had one of those OMG kind of days? Those kind of mornings when you look into the mirror and profanity rolls from your lips like Linda Blair? When the reflection in the mirror startles you like an unexpected intruder? When you just wanna crawl back into bed and hope it's all been one crazy nightmare?
Well, if you haven't ever experienced that type of day, then you must be young and beautiful and self-confident. And so, I suggest you go file your nails or fluff your hair- or do whatever it is that beautiful people do.
Because this post is gonna be ugly...

"Old age is no place for sissies." -- Bette Davis
The other day when I was looking in the mirror, I asked myself where all those little hairs came from. Some were blond, others black- and there were even downy looking gray ones. Popping out across my lips and chin like some sort of freaky Chia Pet.
Then, when I finished frowning at the hair- I noticed the wrinkles- deep twists of misplaced skin that gravity has played tug-of-war with for the past few years. And won!
Of course, it didn't help that I was staring into my 3X magnification mirror at the time.
But, the evidence was there, just the same.
I'm getting old.
And there's nothing I can do about it- but die.

“Probably the saddest thing you'll ever see is a mosquito sucking on a mummy. Forget it, little friend.” Jack Handy
I've never been one to use a lot of makeup, but lately I spend more time looking at Cover Girl ads than I do the Weather Channel.
Yet, I become instantly discouraged when I realize that all those cosmetics are simply a type of old-age Bondo. They might fill the wrinkles for awhile or disguise the imperfections, but underneath is an old lady who wonders who she is trying to fool.
“Nobody loves a woman because she is handsome or ugly, stupid or intelligent. We love because we love.” Unknown author
I have no eyelashes left. They gravitated to my chin one night and no one bothered to tell me until I felt them- stiff like ten-pound fishing line- jutting from my chin in the middle of a huge crowd. Have you ever tried to pull one of those suckers with your fingernails?
Not gonna happen.
That's why I never leave the house unprepared. I always carry tweezers- and when not available- a pair of pliers does nicely.
One morning while at the computer, I felt a chin hair, but was too lazy to get up and find the tweezers. So I opened the desk drawer and grabbed a pair of needle-nose pliers and plucked that thing faster than a goose on a bug.
The secret to age is to improvise.
And pray a lot.
Although, paper sacks come in handy sometimes, too.
“During the Middle Ages, probably one of the biggest mistakes was not putting on your armor because you were "just going down to the corner."” Jack Handy
The quote above is just to say that nomatter how old or ugly you are, at least try to mask it well when appearing in public. Do you best to fix your hair, brighten your checks- dress well and emit confidence. You never know who you might run into.
(Especially if you still have that paper sack over your head and it's distorting your vision.)
For example, one October evening, my family decided to all go to one of the local House of Horrors. I didn't have time to dress and put on makeup or do my hair, so I left the house in my "I hope nobody I know sees me" moods.
I came out of that haunted house with a paycheck!
You might be old, but don't be scarey.

"Joy is the best makeup." -Anne Lamott
I've heard those tall tales about growing old gracefully, except no one has ever written an instruction booklet on it. I suspect that those graceful old ladies cry themselves to sleep at night or have temper tantrums in the dressing room just like the rest of us. The difference between them and me is that they are great pretenders. And I feel funny looking like someone I don't feel like.
Does that make sense?
But a cheerful attitude and a winning smile is the very best mask one can wear. Sparkling eyes and a contagious laugh can erase visible wrinkles faster than Olay Regenerist and cheaper than Botox.
Be you.
If that means wearing your age proudly, then just do it.
And it doesn't hurt to be casual, creative and imaginative while you're at it.
"Beautiful young people are accidents of nature, but beautiful old people are works of art." --Eleanor Roosevelt
Whenever I have one of those OMG days, I try to put it all into perspective. I am alive. I breathe. I feel. I love. I get a chance to spend another day on this beautiful earth.
No one said you have to be young and beautiful to bring happiness to others, to enjoy a glass of wine, giant snowflakes, puppy dogs, corn dogs, thick novels or purple sunsets. To feel joy, pain, surprise, delight and passion.
Our hearts are forever young.
And our eyes never grow old. They never tire of seeing.
Even what is in the mirror.

"Normal day, let me be aware of the treasure you are. Let me learn from you, love you, bless you before you depart. Let me not pass you by in quest of some rare and perfect tomorrow. Let me hold you while I may, for it may not always be so. One day I shall dig my nails into the earth, or bury my face in the pillow, or stretch myself taut, or raise my hands to the sky and want, more than all the world, your return. " ~Mary Jean Iron
Todays Five Things:
1. Birthdays
2. Mascara
3. Magazines
4. Goodwill
5. Walnuts