Thursday, January 7, 2010

Suck It Up. Pull It In. Roll It Back.

"The chief excitement in a woman's life is spotting women who are fatter than she is."  ~Helen Rowland

 Well, we all knew that sooner or later, I'd get to the post about weight. It's kinda been like that big orange Hungry Monster on the Weight Watcher commercials. I've tried to ignore him -and talking about it just makes it worse. He's killing me. Literally.
My big plans for weight loss last year, fizzled into avoidance issues- and so I started this new year out with an extra two pounds. There are babies that size! I'm carrying around a little puppy- a kitten- a couple of pound cakes! 
And I'm shortening my life...
Why can't losing weight be as simple as getting in the car and driving across town? Why can't we just get inside our own heads, steer toward the correct foods, and drive our way to skinny-dom?
Why can't we follow a diet like we follow a receipe for Three Cheese Lasagna?
Why can't we make good diet habits as well as we do grooming habits?
Why is it that some women can succeed at business, motherhood, and marriage,but fail miserably when it's time to diet?
I'm beginning to think there are no answers. You just gotta have faith, walk the straight and narrow- and ignore that Hungry Monster. 
Kill him, actually. 
"When I buy cookies I eat just four and throw the rest away.  But first I spray them with Raid so I won't dig them out of the garbage later.  Be careful, though, because that Raid really doesn't taste that bad."  ~Janette Barber

Heaviness is a thief. It steals your energy, your glow, your relationships and your appearance. It doesn't care who it hurts- it just wants to be fed. It's counting on you to keep it alive - to keep sculpting this huge statue with cellulite and fat rolls and cholesterol clogged arteries.
Face it. It isn't pretty.Fat is ugly. Thin is in. 
Or more importantly- healthy is what we should be striving for- not an impossible goal that we can never keep. It is simply a change of habit.
Now, how hard can that be?
Well, in my case, about as hard as winning the lottery.
"I bought a talking refrigerator that said "Oink" every time I opened the door.  It made me hungry for pork chops."  ~Marie Mott
We all know that the first step is getting rid of the temptation. Why would you want Brad Pitt naked in your bed- when you know it's not good for your marriage? Then why do we have donuts in our kitchen when we know it is bad for our health?
I keep saying I'm going to get a variety of fruit and vegetables and sort them into small baggies so that they will be easily accessible when a snack attack occurs. I love pears and pineapple and bananas. They are as good as cake and cookies and candy. 
But if you place all of them in front of me- nine times out of ten- I'll choose the cake.
Same way with veggies. I adore broccoli, Brussels sprouts and cabbage, but given a choice-
I almost always choose pasta, salami and cheese.
I should not have choices!!! 

" I've been on a constant diet for the last two decades.  I've lost a total of 789 pounds.  By all accounts, I should be hanging from a charm bracelet."  ~Erma Bombeck

I am in the process of inventing a brand new diet aid. It's called the "Meal Detector".
You know- like a metal detector. You set it up at the kitchen door and when you walk through it, it beeps an alarm if you attempt to bring anything into the house that isn't on the diet plan. There's the optional x-ray machine, too. It will find the candy bars hidden in the Tampax box or the Twinkies shoved into the cups of your new bra.
Think I could make a million!!!!
"The one way to get thin is to re-establish a purpose in life."  ~Cyril Connolly, The Unquiet Grave

Seriously, we all know that we need to change. It's the thing we all wish for the most, but are the least willing to do. We aren't dumb. We know how. There are hundreds of books on the subject- thousands of products and aids- millions of reasons to choose the right road.
So, why am I walking backwards?

I suppose we need to make dieting our priority. Above dishes and laundry and dusting. 
I'm guilty of running the vacuum while eating cold pizza. Or washing clothes while I munch on a Snickers. 
If it takes leaving the dishes in the sink and the towels in the hamper for us to take the time to sit down and eat a decent meal of healthy food- then, by all means- let the house go! It is far better than letting the temple of your body turn into a Budda. 
You have brains in your head.
You have feet in your shoes.
You can steer yourself in any direction you choose.
You're on your own.
And you know what you know.
You are the guy who'll decide where to go.
~Dr. Seuss

I know that I have several things to look forward to this year. Things that should motivate me into getting fit. We are planning the first family reunion in several years, my husband wants to take a real vacation, and I need to be thinking about my son's upcoming wedding.
I don't want to be oinking at the trough or huffing across the campsite or waddling down the aisle.
I want people to look at me and think that I have made the right choices. That I am healthy. That I glow. That the Hungry Monster is finally dead. And buried forever.
But I have the steering wheel. I own the car. I know the map. I am the only one that can make myself start the journey. 

"It's not who you are that holds you back, it's who you think you're not."  ~Author Unknown
People do it every day. They win. They change.They don't give up. 
We are as good as they are.
And as strong.  
So we must imagine ourselves as successful.
Suck it up. Pull it in. Roll it back.
Breathe again....
"When we lose twenty pounds... we may be losing the twenty best pounds we have!  We may be losing the pounds that contain our genius, our humanity, our love and honesty."  ~Woody Allen
I want to do this so bad, I could cry. 
And I do. 
Sometimes the bathroom scale is like a knife that cuts me to the core, bruises my soul and slaps me in the face. 
I hate it. 
But I love it for it's honesty.
Even if we start this diet with a disillusioned heart, we must learn to make the best of it. To put forth our best smile, best food, (EDIT: Sorry- I meant to put the word foot here!) prettiest face, a winning attitude and a distant dream.
We must see the good and positive in ourselves, or how else will we deserve to win?
It can be done.
I just hope I can prove that this year.

"People are crying up the rich and variegated plumage of the peacock, and he is himself blushing at the sight of his ugly feet."  ~Sa'Di