Wednesday, January 13, 2010

Gravity Sucks

"You start out happy that you have no hips or boobs. All of a sudden you get them, and it feels sloppy. Then just when you start liking them, they start drooping. "~Cindy Crawford

Yesterday I thought long and hard about what to write this morning. I was torn between a few subjects, and then nothing at all. I literally drew a blank. My brain seemed totally silent.
Until this morning.
Then, I looked into the mirror and scared myself.
“Yeah, I know I'm ugly... I said to a bartender, 'Make me a zombie.' Then he said 'God beat me to it.'” Rodney Dangerfield

Appearance is something that we must work on our entire lives. Even once we have found love, God, the perfect weight, the best kids and the finest house- our appearance is a daily cycle of do-overs. It is never permanent, always changing, and the source of great concern and concentration.
A beautiful haircut one day can turn horrid overnight. A great complexion on Tuesday may be zit-ruined by Thursday, and thick eyelashes that once adored your eyes may now be growing from your chin.
Beauty is a full time job.
Sometimes it's fun. When you get to play dress up and spend money on new things and shop for new clothes and experiment with makeup.
But most times it sucks.
"Just around the corner in every woman's mind - is a lovely dress, a wonderful suit, or entire costume which will make an enchanting new creature of her." ~Wilhela Cushman

I have problems with my hair. Which probably explains why I hate women with beautiful hair. They make it seem so easy- like a fleeting afterthought before leaving the house- like "Oh, I guess I better brush my hair this morning." (Gag.)
Unlike myself, that has to wash, condition, mousse, part, brush, comb, blow dry, and style- and still look in the mirror with disgust.
I often wonder what I would look like if I had kept my natural color. I have some rather disturbing images in my mind.
The only reason I keep coloring my hair is because it's too much trouble going down to the DMV and changing my driver's license picture. That's all.
Sometimes I wish women would go bald. But then I'm always afraid that I'd be one of those women whose baldness was really ugly. My luck, I'd have a giant freckle or a cranial dent on my head for everyone to stare at.

"Beauty isn't worth thinking about; what's important is your mind. You don't want a fifty-dollar haircut on a fifty-cent head. " ~Garrison Keillor
I know they say that beauty is only skin deep, but that's all I'm asking for. I really couldn't give a flying monkey if my bones are pretty.
But, seriously- I know what they mean. That your beauty is what lies within your heart, your nature, your personality.
I'm hoping that's gonna get me through the next twenty years, or I'm seriously screwed.
"It's important to have a twinkle in your wrinkle. " ~Author Unknown
My goal for the new year is to improve in areas that are possible. My hair will have to find a new beautician, my face will search for new foundation, my breasts will look for a new bra and my butt- well...crap! There goes all my good intentions!
Face it- we can't have it all. Did you ever notice that most girls with beautiful eyes have large shoulders? Or that those with lovely lips have giant ear lobes?
The secret is to work with what you have. Nice eyes? Make sure they stand out. Tiny waist? Accentuate it. Gorgeous neck? Adorn it with fabulous jewelry.
I have nice hands. But they get tired when I hold them up in my face all day. That's the only way anyone ever notices them.

"They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken. "
~Author Unknown
Attitude is everything when it comes to appearance. You can be the most beautiful creature on earth, but if you cuss like a sailor and berate your friends and are constantly self-centered, ugly takes over. Big time.
And to me, there is nothing worse than a woman who announces her beauty to the world.
Because, hey- us other women aren't blind- we're just uglier than you!

"No matter how good she looks, some other guy is sick and tired of putting up with her crap. " ~Author Unknown
No matter how bad you may feel, it's always a good idea to dress well everyday. Putting on attractive clothing and fixing your hair always seems to make things better. And if you plan on seeing anyone at all during the day, it's best to wear a bra and throw on some mascara, too.
Plus- you never know when Publisher's Clearing House might pull up to your door with a bouquet of balloons, a giant check, and a googly-eyed camera crew.
That's why I do it.
"Shopping tip: You can get shoes for 85 cents at the bowling alley. " ~Author Unknown
It shouldn't take a lot of money to look good. Soap, shampoo, and deodorant are always affordable. Most makeup lasts for awhile. Clothing can be worn until it goes out of style. Shoes- well- better get a bunch of them. Somehow society thinks that a woman needs to have a closet full of shoes in order to be pretty.
But I have never once been told how pretty I look when I'm wearing sweats, a greasy tee shirt, a pony tail, a brand new Nike's.
“I was such an ugly kid - When I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up” Rodney Dangerfield
Plastic surgery is always an option- if you like science fiction. I've seen creatures from outer space that look better than some movie stars who have gone under the knife.
Note to Hollywood: Plastic boobs don't bounce, firmed faces never frown, and tummy tucks are ....the source of my greatest envy!
But I suppose a little Botox here and a little Botox there wouldn't hurt.
Especially if you know for certain that the sweepstakes van is on its way over.
"There is nothing touches our imagination so much as a beautiful woman in a plain dress." ~Joseph Addison
I am going to work on my appearance this year. Find creative ways to use what I've naturally been given. You know- kinda like a pound of hamburger. It gets boring after awhile so you have to start using a differerent recipe.
Try not to get discouraged. I feel as though I've spent my entire middle age trying to keep my chins up.
But I hope that no matter how my hair, or skin, or body changes- that I will still be a good person inside. That I will be compassionate, unselfish, loving, funny, gentle, wise, and real.
Better go now. Gotta find a stamp for my Publisher's Clearing House return response envelope!
Keep smiling!
"I hope you have lost your good looks, for while they last any fool can adore you, and the adoration of fools is bad for the soul. No, give me a ruined complexion and a lost figure and sixteen chins on a farmyard of Crow's feet and an obvious wig. Then you shall see me coming out strong. "~George Bernard Shaw, to Mrs. Patrick Campbell
Today's Five Grateful Things
1. Ink pens
2. Songs
3. Good pillows
4. Electric blankets
5. Yellow finches