The Ties That Bind

"I don't believe an accident of birth makes people sisters or brothers. It makes them siblings, gives them mutuality of parentage. Sisterhood and brotherhood is a condition people have to work at." ~Maya Angelou

*****
It would seem that family relationships are one thing in life that comes naturally. You are born of the same parents- thrown together in the same toy box for years, and have no choice but to share what there never seems to be enough of.
But, when the toys are put away- the house you grew up in is occupied by strangers- and the frequency of your sharing dwindles down to a mere Christmas card- then family is something that takes work. At that point, it requires purpose and planning in order to keep the ties strong and the lines of love wide open.
I am guilty. I feel most badly about my brothers. I don't know much about their jobs, their concerns, their daily joys, or their dreams. And though I truly love each of their wives, I have not saved a spot in my life to get close enough to them.
I find it difficult to call my brothers, to open up about things- to pull them close like I have my sisters.
Maybe it's because I remember my brothers chasing us around with brooms and bats and mud dabber nests. I vividly recall pulling of hair, the torturing of dolls, and cheating at hide-and-seek. They got the first new bicycles, the first new cars, the biggest pork chops and the least amount of chaperoning.
Wow! Now come to think of it- no wonder we aren't closer! :)

*****
"Family quarrels have a total bitterness unmatched by others. Yet it sometimes happens that they also have a kind of tang, a pleasantness beneath the unpleasantness, based on the tacit understanding that this is not for keeps; that any limb you climb out on will still be there later for you to climb back. " ~Mignon McLaughlin

*****
I grew up with four brothers and four sisters. All from my two humble parents that miraculously raised us in a two bedroom house. (Unless you count the roll-away bed in the furnace room- then that made three.)
I don't know how they managed. No food stamps or public aid or charity. (Unless you count the box of clothes the church brought by twice a year).
Yet, I don't believe there was a single time in my childhood that I felt deprived.
I don't remember feeling cheated- I was certainly never lonely- and I do know I was loved.
My mom and dad didn't fight much.
Oh, there was an occasional argument over money, or us kids, or something unimportant that faded away in ten minutes. They rarely cursed and never drank and I don't remember dad ever being unemployed.
My brothers and sisters were the nucleus of my life then. They were my toys. My partners.( In crime and at Old Maid). But they were loyal and constant and we were forever connected by an invisible bond.

*****
"The family. We were a strange little band of characters trudging through life sharing diseases and toothpaste, coveting one another's desserts, hiding shampoo, borrowing money, locking each other out of our rooms, inflicting pain and kissing to heal it in the same instant, loving, laughing, defending, and trying to figure out the common thread that bound us all together. " ~Erma Bombeck
*****

Even the closeness I feel for my sisters is sometimes strained.
For years, we each had our young children to take care of- a family of our own to raise- a house to keep and a life to build. It wasn't until my eldest sister Barb was about to turn 50, that we suddenly realized that time had passed and there was a gap growing between us.
We always said that Mom had been the glue that kept the family together. So when she died, we had to make our own glue- our own way of staying attached.
Sister Weekends were invented out of this strange need to touch. To connect. To keep one another within view.
We spent the weekend scouting yard sales and flea markets, going to the mall, playing board games and sharing photographs. We laughed and talked and shared stories of our families. We reminisced, we cried, and we pulled our hearts closer.
About ten years later, Barb died.
And we realized that we had waited too long. That ten- eleven years- was not enough time to get to know her.
Life is short. Don't wait.
Start making the glue- NOW!
*****


"I know some sisters who only see each other on Mother's Day and some who will never speak again. But most are like my sisters and me... linked by volatile love, best friends who make other best friends ever so slightly less best. " ~Patricia Volk

*****
My sister Linda and I were closest. I think that had a lot to do with sharing a bed, a room, clothes, dolls -and a place of escape from our brothers. We were a team, a duo, a pair of gangly girls who loved music and nature and imagination.
Then later, she loved boys. I couldn't quite figure that one out, until I started liking boys. Then it all made perfect sense.
But even after we were both married and living in different towns, we kept communication. We worried about the other. We hoped and prayed and were joyful for each other.
Looking back, there were too many lulls, really. Too much time between letters or phone calls or visits. Time we can never get back. Regrets that cannot be erased.
The only thing we can do now is look forward and pull together.
*****
"Sweet is the voice of a sister in the season of sorrow." ~Benjamin Disraeli
*****
Right now Linda is going through a divorce. Life is hard. Unfair. Empty.
And what can I give her that she can possibly use to make things better?
I keep asking myself that question. I can't know the shoes she's wearing- so how am I to give advice? How can I try to steer her heart when I do not know how much it's broken? How can I tell her that it will get better when she doesn't want to hear it?
All I can do is listen. That's what good sisters do. That is the glue that will keep us together through this family loss.
Sometimes I feel as though I have lost my best friend. Her laughter is rare, her soul is bruised, her focus is only on the past.
But someday I know the sun will shine, the laughter will return, the days will flow
with sweet perfume and her heart will heal.
And I will be right here. Ready to greet her when she comes out of the storm.

*****
"To the outside world we all grow old. But not to brothers and sisters. We know each other as we always were. We know each others hearts. We share private family jokes. We remember family feuds and secrets, family griefs and joys. We live outside the touch of time." ~Clara Ortega

*****
I love my brothers and sisters. They are part of who I am.
But this year I will reach out- even if it's uncomfortable at first. I will open up the lines of communication and cross that family bridge. I will draw them in- to this circle of trust and blood and kindred spirits.
We will make the glue.

*****
"What greater thing is there for human souls than to feel that they are joined for life - to be with each other in silent unspeakable memories." ~George Eliot

*****
Today's Five Grateful Things:
1. Siblings
2. Hand lotion
3. Cereal
4. Blogs
5. Diaries

Carpe Diem- Seize The Day!

"Don't refuse to go on an occasional wild goose chase - that's what wild geese are for. " ~Author Unknown

*****
One of the ten areas of my life that I've chosen to improve upon, is adventure. And sometimes it seems to me that it may be the most difficult.
It's like walking into the unknown. Going blind. Doing things I don't normally do or that are not currently in my zone of comfort.
It requires going outside of my mold and expanding my horizons.
And it used to mean- amusement parks!
My kids know that the last place on earth they would ever find me is on a roller coaster. Or a Ferris wheel, for that matter.
Any object that spins, oscillates, flips,curves, or flies - and you are expected to ride it, climb it or hold it-
Well... forget it.
I think I've finally figured out that my sense of fear outweighs my sense of adventure by a few gazillion miles.


*****
"It's not so much that we're afraid of change or so in love with the old ways,
but it's that place in between that we fear . . . .
It's like being between trapezes.
It's Linus when his blanket is in the dryer.
There's nothing to hold on to." - Marilyn Ferguson

*****
But now that I am older and my kids are grown, I look back and wish that I could have the chance again to ride the Runaway Mine Train or the spinning tea cups.
I wish I could go back and hold their hands as we slowly ascend the roller coaster-
and then fly downhill with a face-altering scream.
I wish I could go back and share their laughter as they faced white water rapids in their giant tubes or raced go karts till the place closed for the night.
But, that's the thing about fear. It keeps you from adventure.
And some adventures-
no matter how hard you may try to reenact them-
will never come again.
*****
" Life is not lost by dying; life is lost minute by minute, day by dragging day, in all the thousand small uncaring ways. " ~Stephen Vincent Benét

*****

I've vowed to be more adventurous this year, but I'm not so naive that I don't realize I will have to take small bites at first. I can't be expected to jump into the deep water when I can't even swim- or run a marathon when I can barely walk to the mailbox without getting winded.
I'm going to try the small stuff first, And, like they say- don't sweat it.
(I'll try not to).
I'll try to think of these first steps as though they lead up the mountain-
and once I get to the top, I can fly.
*****
"And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our fear, our presence automatically liberates others." - Marianne Williamson
*****

I've never tried sushi.
Never been on a plane.
Never been in a tanning booth, had a manicure or a pedicure, or learned to make pie crusts.
I've never traveled out west, grown an herb garden, or took up knitting.
I've never read the whole Bible, The Grapes of Wrath, or the entire Twilight series.
I've never eaten snails, had a Facebook page, or sat on a beach at sunset.
I realize that my "I've Never" list is so much longer than my "I Have" list.
Sad.
*****
"As you grow older, you'll find the only things you regret are the things you didn't do." ~Zachary Scott

*****
My fear of flying has kept me from imagining vacations in exotic places. Lately, I think about how big this world really is- and how little- how tiny- my space is. To die and not know the world almost sounds like a sin. Is that not why God made it?
For us to enjoy- to explore- to relish in it's beauty?
I am beginning to think I could survive being seat belted into a jet-if it meant seeing the Grand Canyon, walking through pineapple groves in Hawaii, or getting to the cruise ship on time.
Because I know that someday I may be all alone- wishing I could go back and do it.
That I could hold my husbands hand as we slowly descend the canyon on a donkey- and trot downhill with a face-altering scream...
I may wish I had seen the eagles fly, the buffalo roam, the starfish shine upon a beach of peachy sand.
I may wish I had touched the clouds, tasted the wind, and faced my fears.

*****
"Many of our fears are tissue-paper-thin, and a single courageous step would carry us clear through them." ~Brendan Francis

*****

If someone could promise you that you would not be hurt, get killed or laughed at or lost- would you do those things you fear?
I would.
If it were as easy as tying my shoes, I would already be in Vegas.
Just arriving from the airport and ordering sushi.
Fresh and vibrant in a dress and heels.
With a new manicure.
*****

"Worry gives a small thing a big shadow". - Swedish proverb

*****
So, this year, I'll be taking small bites. Tiny tastes of the unknown. Timid peeks at the monster under my bed.
Who knows? Someday you may find me swimming with the dolphins...

*****

"Life is a great big canvas, and you should throw all the paint on it you can." ~Danny Kaye
*****

Today's Five Grateful Things:
1. Noodles
2. Fabric softener
3. Snow tires
4. Clocks
5. Hot showers

Suck It Up. Pull It In. Roll It Back.

"The chief excitement in a woman's life is spotting women who are fatter than she is."  ~Helen Rowland
                                          *****

 Well, we all knew that sooner or later, I'd get to the post about weight. It's kinda been like that big orange Hungry Monster on the Weight Watcher commercials. I've tried to ignore him -and talking about it just makes it worse. He's killing me. Literally.
My big plans for weight loss last year, fizzled into avoidance issues- and so I started this new year out with an extra two pounds. There are babies that size! I'm carrying around a little puppy- a kitten- a couple of pound cakes! 
And I'm shortening my life...
Why can't losing weight be as simple as getting in the car and driving across town? Why can't we just get inside our own heads, steer toward the correct foods, and drive our way to skinny-dom?
Why can't we follow a diet like we follow a receipe for Three Cheese Lasagna?
Why can't we make good diet habits as well as we do grooming habits?
Why is it that some women can succeed at business, motherhood, and marriage,but fail miserably when it's time to diet?
I'm beginning to think there are no answers. You just gotta have faith, walk the straight and narrow- and ignore that Hungry Monster. 
Kill him, actually. 
                                                                    *****
"When I buy cookies I eat just four and throw the rest away.  But first I spray them with Raid so I won't dig them out of the garbage later.  Be careful, though, because that Raid really doesn't taste that bad."  ~Janette Barber
                                                                     *****

Heaviness is a thief. It steals your energy, your glow, your relationships and your appearance. It doesn't care who it hurts- it just wants to be fed. It's counting on you to keep it alive - to keep sculpting this huge statue with cellulite and fat rolls and cholesterol clogged arteries.
Face it. It isn't pretty.Fat is ugly. Thin is in. 
Or more importantly- healthy is what we should be striving for- not an impossible goal that we can never keep. It is simply a change of habit.
Now, how hard can that be?
Well, in my case, about as hard as winning the lottery.
                                                                       *****
"I bought a talking refrigerator that said "Oink" every time I opened the door.  It made me hungry for pork chops."  ~Marie Mott
                                                                     *****
We all know that the first step is getting rid of the temptation. Why would you want Brad Pitt naked in your bed- when you know it's not good for your marriage? Then why do we have donuts in our kitchen when we know it is bad for our health?
I keep saying I'm going to get a variety of fruit and vegetables and sort them into small baggies so that they will be easily accessible when a snack attack occurs. I love pears and pineapple and bananas. They are as good as cake and cookies and candy. 
But if you place all of them in front of me- nine times out of ten- I'll choose the cake.
Same way with veggies. I adore broccoli, Brussels sprouts and cabbage, but given a choice-
I almost always choose pasta, salami and cheese.
I should not have choices!!! 
                                                              *****

" I've been on a constant diet for the last two decades.  I've lost a total of 789 pounds.  By all accounts, I should be hanging from a charm bracelet."  ~Erma Bombeck
                                                               *****


I am in the process of inventing a brand new diet aid. It's called the "Meal Detector".

You know- like a metal detector. You set it up at the kitchen door and when you walk through it, it beeps an alarm if you attempt to bring anything into the house that isn't on the diet plan. There's the optional x-ray machine, too. It will find the candy bars hidden in the Tampax box or the Twinkies shoved into the cups of your new bra.

Think I could make a million!!!!

                                                                 *****

"The one way to get thin is to re-establish a purpose in life."  ~Cyril Connolly, The Unquiet Grave
                                                                  *****

Seriously, we all know that we need to change. It's the thing we all wish for the most, but are the least willing to do. We aren't dumb. We know how. There are hundreds of books on the subject- thousands of products and aids- millions of reasons to choose the right road.
So, why am I walking backwards?

I suppose we need to make dieting our priority. Above dishes and laundry and dusting. 
I'm guilty of running the vacuum while eating cold pizza. Or washing clothes while I munch on a Snickers. 
If it takes leaving the dishes in the sink and the towels in the hamper for us to take the time to sit down and eat a decent meal of healthy food- then, by all means- let the house go! It is far better than letting the temple of your body turn into a Budda. 
                                                             *****

You have brains in your head.
You have feet in your shoes.
You can steer yourself in any direction you choose.
You're on your own.
And you know what you know.
You are the guy who'll decide where to go.
~Dr. Seuss

                                                                 *****
I know that I have several things to look forward to this year. Things that should motivate me into getting fit. We are planning the first family reunion in several years, my husband wants to take a real vacation, and I need to be thinking about my son's upcoming wedding.
I don't want to be oinking at the trough or huffing across the campsite or waddling down the aisle.
I want people to look at me and think that I have made the right choices. That I am healthy. That I glow. That the Hungry Monster is finally dead. And buried forever.
But I have the steering wheel. I own the car. I know the map. I am the only one that can make myself start the journey. 
                                                     *****

"It's not who you are that holds you back, it's who you think you're not."  ~Author Unknown
                                                     *****
People do it every day. They win. They change.They don't give up. 
We are as good as they are.
And as strong.  
So we must imagine ourselves as successful.
Suck it up. Pull it in. Roll it back.
Breathe again....
                                                      *****
"When we lose twenty pounds... we may be losing the twenty best pounds we have!  We may be losing the pounds that contain our genius, our humanity, our love and honesty."  ~Woody Allen
                                                      *****
I want to do this so bad, I could cry. 
And I do. 
Sometimes the bathroom scale is like a knife that cuts me to the core, bruises my soul and slaps me in the face. 
I hate it. 
But I love it for it's honesty.
Even if we start this diet with a disillusioned heart, we must learn to make the best of it. To put forth our best smile, best food, (EDIT: Sorry- I meant to put the word foot here!) prettiest face, a winning attitude and a distant dream.
We must see the good and positive in ourselves, or how else will we deserve to win?
It can be done.
I just hope I can prove that this year.
                                                                  *****


"People are crying up the rich and variegated plumage of the peacock, and he is himself blushing at the sight of his ugly feet."  ~Sa'Di

The House That Love Built

"  We are all a little weird and life's a little weird, and when we find someone whose weirdness is compatible with ours, we join up with them and fall in mutual weirdness and call it love. " ~Author Unknown

Perhaps it is the fact that the stores are now filled with Valentines, or that my son just announced his engagement, but this morning my mind has been drawn to thoughts of love. 
Love is many different things to many different people. When I was a child, love was my mother holding my hand, my dad buying me a Choc-cola, my sister letting me play with her dolls, and the way that birds fluttered in the sky. Later, it was a smile from a boy, a compliment from a friend- a record player with cool music. 
Love grows. It divides. It does not stay in one form, but spreads into all the rooms of the heart. It is a chameleon- changing with the place, the day, the person. Love is every color of the rainbow, even in the midst of a storm.
Even the love I feel for my husband after thirty four years, changes with time. It matures. It revises. It enriches daily like a lush garden in the spring. But we must always tend to it. We must never leave it unattended or forsaken.
                                                     *****

" If I had a single flower for every time I think about you, I could walk forever in my garden."  ~Claudia Ghandi

                                                                  *****
Love is not always easy. 
Sometimes it can be Hell.  
There will be fights over money, the kids, the remote control, the blouse you're wearing, the friends he keeps, the crappy car you drive, the leaky faucet, the scratchy bedsheets, the poopy dog...
But the thing about love is that it will gladly endure that Hell in order to make things right again. Love always strives to be on top- to be the best- to win out over selfishness, unfaithfulness, and indifference. It's a pretty strong love that can go through Hell, come back, and be stronger. 
And then do the same thing over and over again for years and years.


                                                                   *****
"  Tell me how many beads there are
In a silver chain
Of evening rain,
Unraveled from the tumbling main,
And threading the eye of a yellow star: -
So many times do I love again."
~Thomas Lovell Beddoes

                                                      *****

Sometimes I look back at my wedding and regret the things I didn't have. There were no flowers, no music- and I even wore pants. A local preacher married us at his house for ten dollars, we bought a bottle of champagne, and spent the night at our little rented farmhouse. Would I have liked to have some photographs, some different memories, a better story? Yes, but it is not the wedding that matters- it's the marriage.
The wedding is just the front door to the rest of your lives together. 
What's inside- the things you build, nourish, embellish, and cherish- is the true foundation of your union.
And just because my front door is a little cheap, paint-worn, and outdated- doesn't mean my house isn't beautiful inside.
Love is what we make it.
                                          *****
"  Chains do not hold a marriage together.  It is threads, hundreds of tiny threads which sew people together through the years. " ~Simone Signoret
                                        *****

Love isn't always flamboyant. It isn't flashing, loud, pulsating or passionate. Sometimes it consists of unsaid words or deeds that build layers of trust and affection.
My husband doesn't realize that I always give him the softest towels, the biggest steak, the last cookie, and the best pillow. But it is a habit that I continue because it is my way of loving him. A secret sentiment that bonds me to him. A way to make him comfortable in this house of marriage.
Women-libbers hate me. I wash his back, lay out his clothes, run his errands, grant him the television, cut his toenails and take out the trash. But that is just my unspoken way of devotion.
Everyone has their own way- their own rules- their own house of love. Decorate it- fill it- build it any way that you see fit. 
But do it together.
Yet-all the while, be only who you are. Don't fake it, force it, or forget it. Retain your identity- preserve your personality.

                                         *****
"  Love is, above all, the gift of oneself."  ~Jean Anouilh
                                         *****
A new marriage knows nothing of sadness, but it must be prepared for what is to come. There will be tragedies and sorrows. There will ultimately be the passing of parents, the death of dear pets, an unexpected illness, a financial setback. But we are not with our mate to only share the good times. We must be willing to cry- to allow our hearts to break a little- and all the while, be a comfort and a rock to one another.
In a good marriage, the sun will rise again, the smiles will return- the day will be new and promising.
                                       *****

"  You learn to like someone when you find out what makes them laugh, but you can never truly love someone until you find out what makes them cry. " ~Author Unknown
                                     ***** 


One piece of advice I would give to my children is to never give up. Keep trying even through the worst storms- even when it seems there is no hope, because sometimes there is a spark that will ignite again. Don't leave after the first fight, separate at the first disagreement, grow bitter with jealousy...Treat the other with the respect and concern that you wish to be treated with.
However, if- after all remedies have run their course- all treatments tried, all mending tested- and there is positively no future- then don't be afraid to say so. Don't stay in a relationship that wilts your soul.

Someone once said that: to say your marriage was a failure just because you got a divorce- is like saying your life was a failure just because you died.
You can always build a new house with a new person. Just make sure you agree on the foundation.
A perfect marriage is an oxymoron. No one has it. Everyone wants it. It's not attainable.
I struggle everyday to keep an even keel. Marriage is hard work. But it is a labor of the heart and worth the effort.

Making your spouses day as sweet as you would wish your own, aids in a goal of harmony and
eternal happiness.


                                    ****


"  Infatuation is when you think he's as sexy as Robert Redford, as smart as Henry Kissinger, as noble as Ralph Nader, as funny as Woody Allen, and as athletic as Jimmy Conners.  Love is when you realize that he's as sexy as Woody Allen, as smart as Jimmy Connors, as funny as Ralph Nader, as athletic as Henry Kissinger and nothing like Robert Redford - but you'll take him anyway."  ~Judith Viorst, Redbook, 1975
                                      *****


Sometimes I look at my husband and see George Clooney- hot, sexy, sophisticated, and delicious. But there are other times I see him as Pa Kettle- tired, used, eccentric and odd. Some days he is the very stars that shine. Other days he is Lucifer himself. One morning he is my sunshine, the next he is my rain. One evening he is the bright and glowing moon, others he is the darkness and the shadows.
But, through all that- I realize that I am the same wheel of personalities. (Yet, secretly hoping I am Sandra Bullock a lot more often than I am Ma Kettle!)
It is true love that can see beyond the smile, the eyes, the sports car, the bank account, the tan, the muscles, the boobs, the sex, the fun- and see the soul. And to love that very soul is the recipe for a good marriage.
                                      *****                                                                   

"  'Tis sweet to know there is an eye will mark our coming, and look brighter when we come."  ~Lord Byron
                                        *****
No one can know your heart- or you theirs. How you live your life and build your dreams is up to you. But once you fall in love, you are a one-winged angel that needs the other one-winged angel in order to fly. Knowing when to land in unison and knowing when to soar together- is the secret.

                                      *****
"  Love does not consist of gazing at each other, but in looking together in the same direction."  ~Antoine de Saint-Exupery

Home Habits

"  Habit is habit, and not to be flung out of the window by any man, but coaxed downstairs a step at a time. " ~Mark Twain

                                  *****


I'm in need of new habits. But, everytime I think about changing things- things end up changing me. I realize more and more that I have no control over certain aspects of my life. 
But I do have choices. 
I may not be able to stop the rain, but I can carry an umbrella.
I may not be able to get rid of my muffin gut, but I can try hiding it under a sweatshirt.

But like I've always said -I may not be able to organize my home, but I can stuff it in a closet and keep the door shut.

                                                    *****

"The truth is that our finest moments are most likely to occur when we are feeling deeply uncomfortable, unhappy, or unfulfilled. For it is only in such moments, propelled by our discomfort, that we are likely to step out of our ruts and start searching for different ways or truer answers."
M. Scott Peck
                                                     *****


I've learned from experience that bad organization can bleed into your finances- and that, in fact, they do go hand in hand. Messy finances lead to forgotten bills, overdue projects, lost receipts and unbalanced checkbooks. There is nothing more frustrating than searching hours for a bill that you misplaced, only to discover it is already days overdue and has cost you a ridiculous late fee.
In the past I have purchased accounting books, special software, rolling file boxes and giant journals. All seemed hauntingly intimidating from the start. Many were too difficult to understand, utterly complicated or more than my simple household budget required.
I'm trying my best to get more organized.I just bought new files, a notebook, a calculator, and a pencil sharpener. 
And I sat them on my  desk where I have stared at them for five days. 
They are really colorful and cute, but I'm not sure where to start.

I'm an ostrich. A procrastinator. A putter-offer.
But I vow today that I will remedy this weakness within me.

                                     *****


"Nothing is so fatiguing as the eternal hanging on of an uncompleted task."  ~William James
                                      ***** 

Someone once said that an organized home should start by making the bed each morning. I believe it. How else are you going to find those socks you tore off your sweaty feet at midnight? Or those pitiful Fruit of the Loom boxer shorts with the torn elastic waistband?
Starting from the bottom sheet, rip everything off your bed, and replace it as though you're decorating a cake.
Layer of sheet, blanket, comforter- and top it off with a luscious pillow!
Now that your bed looks great, it makes you want to straighten the rest of the room. Put away shoes, pick up towels, hang coats. Dust dresser, straighten blinds, pull curtains. Great habit to get into!
But the real reason to make your bed first thing every morning, is so that you will not be tempted to crawl back into it. Because if you do, nothing else will get done and this organization thing will be failed from the start.
Make your bed. See how liberated you feel by clearing that one simple obstacle.
                             ***** 
"My second favorite household chore is ironing.  My first being hitting my head on the top bunk bed until I faint."  ~Erma Bombeck
                                                   ***** 


Simple tasks like sweeping the walk, straightening the magazines, keeping  the sink free from dirty dishes are things that take little time, but make a big difference. I find that a clean house is a peaceful house.
But I don't iron. I don't wash windows very often and I'm not sure where I put the good scissors.
So, I realize that there is room for improvement everywhere I look. My goal is to get more detailed about organizing my home.
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"I'm not going to vacuum until Sears makes one you can ride on."  ~Roseanne Barr

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Luckily, I have a great husband that can do repairs when the house needs a fix. He's roofed and plumbed and electrified. He's surround-sounded, tiled, carpeted and concreted.
He's even taught me how to change the weed eater string and how to open up the drain and remove nasty hair clogs. 
Fun stuff.
But it's maintenance that keeps it from all falling apart later.
All part of a organized home...


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"One only needs two tools in life:  WD-40 to make things go, and duct tape to make them stop. " ~G.M. Weilacher

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The success of any change is adopting new habits. I realize that I have some bad habits. Like stuffing my bills into a WalMart sack, putting dead batteries back into the drawer,
buying and opening a new jar of pickles before the old one is gone. 
Stuff like that.
So, here's to a "made" bed.
Sparkling windows and freshly ironed clothes.
A clean walk and a flowing drain.
Organized finances and a neat closet.

I'm ready now.
Bring it on!
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"He is the happiest, be he king or peasant, who finds peace in his home."  ~Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

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Questions Of The Heart

( This entry is not a very positive way to start out the new year and my new blog. But this has weighed heavy on my mind and I have found some comfort in writing about it. I am sure you have all experienced something similar. )

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Tears have a wisdom all their own. They come when a person has relaxed enough to let go and to work through his sorrow. They are the natural bleeding of an emotional wound, carrying the poison out of the system. Here lies the road to recovery. --- F. Alexander Magoun
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Most people think of their heart as a little valentine. But I see my heart differently. To me, it's a house. It's a place of a hundred doors and a hundred rooms, each one opening to a memory or a thought - or even a dream.
I keep my dreams in the attic. Aloft like the stars, floating like un-tethered kites that drift about until I grasp them by the tail and pull them into reality.
The main floor has rooms of faces and places that make up my day.
One room is my husband. It's warm in there. And sweet. And full of gentle kisses.
Another room is my children. Echoing with laughter and quilted with apron strings. Bursting with pride. Soft with memories.
Then there's a room with my grandchildren. It's bright and airy and playful there. And imagination reigns.
At the end of the hall, other doors lead to lost parents and siblings and friends. Those rooms smell of tears and fresh roses and fading time.

But for awhile now, there's been a secret room in my basement. I try to keep it closed, but sometimes I can't. Sometimes the wind blows hard and forces it open. Other times I peek inside on purpose. But each time it unlocks, my house floods with tears.

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"  Every man has his secret sorrows which the world knows not; and often times we call a man cold when he is only sad."

Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

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I try not to talk about it- or even think about it- and I realize now that has been the problem. I've bottled it up to where it hurts- squeezes me into a strange pain. Haunts me in ways no one can understand.

Last June my daughter's boyfriend committed suicide. It's bad enough that he is gone- but to go like that- is unimaginable-horrific-and troubling. Every single day I ask myself why. And every single day, I make up answers. He was sick. He was sad. He was lost. He was weak. He felt hopeless. He felt unloved. He felt tortured. But no answer ever fits. No excuse ever warrants the fact that he is now gone from this earth forever.

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"  You could be happy and I won't know 
But you weren't happy the day I watched you go 
And all the things that I wish I had not said 
Are played in loops til it's madness in my head" 

                                   Snow Patrol lyrics: You Could Be Happy

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I probably only saw him a half dozen times, but I was always friendly and tried to make him feel welcome. But I really didn't go out of my way.  I don't regret anything I said to him, but, yet, the things I didn't say. The smiles I didn't give. The reassuring laugh. The invitation to dinner. The compliment on his new shirt or hat. The unspoken halo of acceptance that  could have pulled him into our family circle.

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"  Too often we underestimate the power of a touch, a smile, a kind word, a listening ear, an honest compliment, or the smallest act of caring, all of which have the potential to turn a life around."        - Leo Buscaglia

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For months I made up wild, fantastical, unrealistic games to bring him back. If I would do ten more sit ups, I could stop him. If I would quit eating for a week, I could grab his hand and pull him back. If I would walk a mile, I could find him and change his mind. If I would lose twenty pounds, I could turn back time. If I would wake up, I'd see it was only a dream.

But after torturing myself, I realized that it did no good to wish away the truth. There was no way to change what had already been done.

And then the spiritual aspect began to trouble me more profoundly. Where did he go?

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"  There is no death. The stars go down
    To rise upon another shore,
And bright in heaven's jeweled crown
   They shine forevermore."
                (By John McCreery)

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It's just not the same as when my grandparents or parents or sister died. I was certain that they would go to heaven. But I had always been taught that if you take your own life, you do not.  

Is this why I cannot shake this grief? I did not even really know this young man, but the whole aspect of his death will not leave my head. I feel that I cannot rest until I know he is in a better place. But, I will never know- so it is a vicious circle. Like a tornado that twists up from the basement of my heart and damages my life. 

I realize that I'm spending too much time in the basement. I need to be upstairs laughing and planning and breathing fresh air. I must focus on the beautiful things in my life and be forever grateful for God's grace.

This new year is about changes and I must let my faith cross this bridge before I drown. I must believe that God has a plan and all I can do is pray. Sounds simple enough, but it is difficult. How do you ask God for something you are not sure is His will?

I received a Bible for Christmas that will lead me through the scriptures in a year. I am hoping that this knowledge will be a comfort and a lesson. I am praying that I can leave this incident in God's hands and close that basement door forever.

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" ...That the hour of our death is appointed by Jesus. We are laid asleep by Him. Just as the mother knows the best hour to lay her little one in its couch or cradle; undresses it, composes it to rest, sings its lullaby, and the cherub face, lately all smiles, is now locked in quiet repose. So Christ comes to His people at His own selected season, and says, 'Your hour of rest has arrived. I am to take off the garments of mortality. Come! I will robe you in the vestments of the tomb.' He smooths the narrow bed, composes the pillow, and sings His own lullaby of love, 'Fear not, my child, for I am with you, sleep on now and take your rest!'"

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We all have those rooms in our heart that no one ever sees- places in our minds that we don't talk about. But there will always be those shadowy questions that lay upon us in our moments of quiet and contemplation. It is those times that we must find our true faith and hush those ghosts. We must accept those things we cannot change. We must bring our grief up from the basement and let it flow into our lives. It will eventually seep through the cracks, push open the windows, and find a way out the back door.

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"We can only be said to be alive in those moments when our hearts are conscious of our treasures. " ~Thornton Wilder