Ten in '10

Forgiveness Is A Gift You Give Yourself

2010-03-24T04:59:00.003-05:00

“To forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you.”
Lewis B. Smedes
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Forgiveness is a personal choice. No one can make it for you. You must alone decide if your heart can heal enough to open up again to those who have wronged you.

Yet, neither can we bear the grudge, the anger, or the resentment that one feels when they cannot forgive. It is a load one must carry alone.

It is a heavy weight that never shifts. A shadow that never fades into sunlight. A voice that never stops crying. A wound that forever stays exposed to salt water.

To forgive, we shed that ugly skin of bitterness. We open doors to better health, our future, and a more desirable relationship with God. We breathe again. We see. We run. We are free.

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“Forgiveness does not change the past, but it does enlarge the future.”
Paul Boese

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My sister is in the midst of forgiveness.

It is not an overnight process. Words like "I'm sorry" will not automatically heal her. Pushing memories to the back of the bus won't help her move on down the road. Wanting to forgive does not make it so. It will take time and dedication.

Someone she loved very much hurt her beyond what she was capable of imagining. But she believes that a life without this person would be to bear an even deeper pain. To forgive him, she is saving herself. To open her heart to him in reprieve-is like singing and dancing and smiling again.

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"It really doesn't matter if the person who hurt you deserves to be forgiven. Forgiveness is a gift you give yourself. You have things to do and you want to move on." - Unknown author

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In most cases, we all like to see forgiveness exercised in our lives. We delight at children hugging one another after a toy fight, we warm with the thought of making up after a heated discussion, and we happily welcome a truce after days of a stale disagreement.

None of us liked seeing my sister hurting. We ached as she asked "why?", we shuddered at the sound of her tears, and, sadly, we even grew weary of that monstrous burden that soon began to seep into our lives and happiness.

We had no medicine to heal her. No remedy to make her content again. No words that would soothe or console or relieve her.

We only had ears to listen and a heart that truly believed that things would get better.

I know my sister has concerns about how others will view her choice to forgive.

We cannot judge. We did not carry the weight- the load of hurt. We did not have those sleepless nights, those endless tears, that wrenching gut, those feelings of loneliness and abandonment.

We should be glad in her ability to forgive. We should rejoice that she smiles again. We should never question the huge obstacles that love can overcome.

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"Forgiveness is a rebirth of hope, a reorganization of thought, and a reconstruction of dreams. Once forgiving begins, dreams can be rebuilt. When forgiving is complete, meaning has been extracted from the worst of experiences and used to create a new set of moral rules and a new interpretation of life's events."
Beverly Flanigan -

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Sometimes making the decision to forgive takes times. Years even. But it is a time of delayed living. It is a limbo of sorts. A pause in the stream of happiness. To bear a grudge is to be caught in the quagmire of bitterness. It does you no good. It makes you ugly.

To forgive those who have wronged you is God's hope. Yet, to forgive someone does not mean you must walk arm in arm again. You can forgive and then take another path that leads a different direction. You don't have to kiss and makeup. You just have to brush off the past and crack out of that shell of spite.

You must open your heart.
Forgiveness knows no other way in.

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"Forgiving does not usually happen at once. It is a process, sometimes a long one, especially when it comes to wounds gouged deep. And we must expect some lapses...some people seem to manage to finish off forgiving in one swoop of the heart. But when they do, you can bet they are forgiving flesh wounds. Deeper cuts take more time and can use a second coat."- Lewis B. Smedes

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What we all want most is to see our loved ones happy.
If forgiveness brings this to my sister, then I know her choice has been a good one.

Yet, opening up your heart exposes it to the possibility of another wound. A repeat of pain.

But we cannot let that worry deter us.
We must cross that bridge when we come upon it. We must build that defense only when the time calls for it.
We must deal with each day like a fresh gift. And we must enjoy them one by one without a thought to their end.

***********
“Forgiveness does not change the past, but it does enlarge the future.”
Paul Boese
********

My sister has forgiven- but yet, I know she has wonders about our opinions concerning her choice.
But, we must be forgivers, too. We must open our hearts and accept those that wronged her.
We are happy if she is happy.

Sometimes forgiveness is automatic. Like breathing. It doesn't take a fight, a war, a separation.
Sometimes all it takes is the willingness to admit wrong, accept responsibility, offer an apology, or sincere repentance.
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“I can forgive, but I cannot forget, is only another way of saying, I will not forgive. Forgiveness ought to be like a cancelled note - torn in two, and burned up, so that it never can be shown against one.” Henry Ward Beecher
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Today, don't let bitterness fester in you. Don't grasp tightly to that grudge, don't wallow in self-pity- don't let another person interrupt your peace.

Let it go.
Release that fight.
Spread your wings and live again.

You'll be glad you did.
*****

Luke 6:35-38;42
But love your enemies, do good to them, and lend to them without expecting to get anything back. Then your reward will be great, and you will be sons of the Most High, because he is kind to the ungrateful and wicked. Be merciful, just as your Father is merciful. "Do not judge, and you will not be judged. Do not condemn, and you will not be condemned. Forgive, and you will be forgiven..."

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Today's Five Grateful Things:

1. Solar lights that glow
2. Seed catalogs
3. Lilacs
4. A new camera
5. Strawberries with poppy seed dressing

A Writer's Woe

2010-02-16T05:38:00.004-06:00

You must stay drunk on writing so reality cannot destroy you. ~Ray Bradbury

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It has been a week since I've written, and already my mind itches to return.
But, like a tourist returning to a favorite beach without their luggage, I return with no idea what to write.
I am just here. What comes will be spontaneous, unorganized and unrehearsed. I just have to scratch.
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Fill your paper with the breathings of your heart. -William Wordsworth
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I started this new blog to concentrate on ten areas of my life that needed improvement. What I have discovered on my time away, is that it was not so much the act of improvement that I sought, but the ability to write about it.
I haven't found a better family, marriage, body, spirit, home..or whatever...I have just found a way to write about it. To peel it open, to inspect it, to chart it inside my memory banks for safe keeping. I have made it visible, with form- approachable and diagrammed so I could sit back and say, "This is my life. This is where I am and who I am."
Yet, the very act of writing about it helps to reveal the weaknesses and the strengths of my Ten. I've been surprised, embarrassed, confident and ashamed at the things I have found in myself.
I've scratched so hard, the truth came through.
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One must be drenched in words, literally soaked in them, to have the right ones form themselves into the proper pattern at the right moment. ~Hart Crane
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Being away has been liberating. A breath of fresh air. A vacation, a gift, a reward I gave myself.
My mind was so cluttered. My brain ached to write something every single day. I suffered. Putting words on paper should come easily, yet every day it was becoming more difficult. Forced. insincere and uncomfortable.
I was afraid of letting my readers down- not only if I didn't write, but if I didn't improve my life as significantly as I had promised.
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As for my next book, I am going to hold myself from writing it till I have it impending in me: grown heavy in my mind like a ripe pear; pendant, gravid, asking to be cut or it will fall. ~Virginia Woolf
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I will never find perfection. I will never be complete. My Ten will never be infallible.
But writing about it holds me accountable for it all. It's a mental note to myself. A reminder of the important things in life. My cue to smile, hug, pray and act. My reason to get up every morning and start the day.
To scratch the itch till it heals.
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If you would not be forgotten as soon as you are dead, either write things worth reading or do things worth writing. - Benjamin Franklin
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Non-writers won't understand me. It sounds like a bunch of gibberish. Flowery. Contrived. But words are important to me. They are my caffeine. My chocolate. My nicotine. My love.
But, on the other hand, they are my storm, my devil, my abyss, my restless child... my adversary.
To balance them is the secret. To harmonize is the key.
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"...The words have just crawled down my sleeve and come out on the page." ~Joan Baez
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This crazy explanation is just to say, I won't be writing every day. I need to come up for air once in awhile. Breathe. Observe. Stop.
I want to pursue my art a bit. It's rough. Rusty. Forsaken. But in my mind, I see good things.
And, like my writing, it is an itch that needs to be scratched. A void that needs to be filled. A part of me that needs to be explored. Captured. Smoothed.
I will continue to try to improve my life in those ten areas. And to write about them in the best way possible. Whenever the mood strikes, my hands begin to shake- and my soul can stay silent no longer.
Thanks for being my net. My support. My friend.
*****
It is necessary to write, if the days are not to slip emptily by. How else, indeed, to clap the net over the butterfly of the moment? For the moment passes, it is forgotten; the mood is gone; life itself is gone. That is where the writer scores over his fellows: he catches the changes of his mind on the hop. ~Vita Sackville-West ****

Today's Five Things:
1. Faith
2. Purple
3. Starlight
4. Flashlights
5. Real butter

*****

Reaching Out

2010-02-09T06:00:00.004-06:00

“Seek goodness everywhere, and when it is found, bring it out of its hiding place and let be free and unashamed.” -William Saroyan
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Random Acts of Kindness week is celebrated on February 15-21. So, I thought I would write today about random kindness and senseless acts of beauty. How greatly they do effect our lives! Not only do we enjoy being the lucky recipient, but our hearts become happy when we practice generosity and compassion toward others. It's a win/win situation.
It's just a shame that most people have to wait until a special week is declared before they even consider the way they could touch another life. Not necessarily in a big way, but in a way that will be appreciated and remembered.
What price can you put on the smile you are given by someone that you help today?
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I can live for two months on a good compliment. ~Mark Twain
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Sometimes all that is needed is a few kind words. And it doesn't cost you a thing.
You should always realize that just because you woke up in a good mood, doesn't mean that everyone else did. And sometimes all that person needs to get jump started- is a smile, a compliment, or a friend to cheer them on.
Some people may be disillusioned, depressed, despondent. Sometimes they may close the door so tight that you can't get in- but just crawl through the window and sit with them awhile. Sometimes silence is the best company and company is the best gift.
On your bad days, they will remember you. And they will crawl in your window and hold your hand till the sun comes out again.
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Better keep yourself clean and bright; you are the window through which you must see the world. ~George Bernard Shaw
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It really doesn't matter if you get anything in return. It's like Paying it Forward, sowing seeds that will bloom later, setting a solid foundation for a good soul. You are the only one that needs to know you were kind. Conscious is a warm companion.
In our everyday lives, we are introduced to rude and insensitive people. Our human response is to lash out in a similar way- to interact on their level. To meet them on their playing field. Don't ever do it. Don't stoop to rudeness and insensitivity yourself. They will be both hurt and helped by a smile or a kind word instead. And, believe it or not, amid all the people they meet that day-they will remember you the most.
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Treat everyone with politeness, even those who are rude to you - not because they are not nice- but because you are. ~Author Unknown
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Yesterday I was shopping at WalMart and realized that I needed to buy laundry soap. I rolled my eyes and heaved a giant sigh as I knew the prices on laundry products are becoming outrageous. For some reason, placing a ten dollar bottle of soap in my cart is always uncomfortable for me. But I had to get something to wash clothes.
I decided on the less expensive brand, and when I went to pick it from the shelf, I saw a coupon carefully tucked beneath it. A dollar off! Wow! I immediately snatched it up and went on with my task.
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“To give without any reward, or any notice, has a special quality of its own.” -Anne Morrow Lindbergh
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I got to thinking later that someone had taken time to clip that coupon. Some stranger had sat down at the kitchen table in their warm house, maybe with a cup of coffee, and a pair of scissors, and gathered those paper savings into a neat pile.
Later, when they went to the store, they realized that they didn't need that coupon. That they had another, or that perhaps they could wait another day to buy soap. But by pure kindness, they decided to leave the coupon for someone who might use it.
This person could have just as easily saved it, or wadded it up into their purse- but their nature was to give. Without a seeing eye or a word of praise. Just because it was kind.
And I thank you. Not just for the dollar savings, but because- in the space of an ordinary day- you made me pause to consider kindness.
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“The fact that I can plant a seed and it becomes a flower- share a bit of knowledge and it becomes another's -smile at someone and receive a smile in return- are to me continual spiritual exercises.” -Leo F. Buscaglia
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I remember my sister Jewel telling a story about a incident in the grocery store parking lot. She was pushing her cart out to load her groceries, when all of a sudden, her bag of poatoes came tumbing open and sprawling across the pavement.
An elderly lady stepped up and began picking up the potatoes, reaching and bending to help Jewel grab the runaway spuds.
That old woman could have simply walked by, said, Oh, My!" and continued walking. But her kindness never gave thought to her age or health or agility. She just knew it was the right thing to do -and did it.
Jewel even wrote a letter to the editor of the paper, thanking this stranger for her act of kindness. I bet out of a thousand people she's met since then, she still remembers that kind lady.
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It's discouraging to think how many people are shocked by honesty and how few by deceit. ~Noël Coward, Blithe Spirit
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One way that some people like to celebrate Random Acts of Kindness is to pay for the person behind them at the fast food window. Or pay the toll for the next person at the toll booth.
It doesn't even have to be monetary.
Open a door for someone, give them your place in line, help mow their yard, fetch their paper,
run an errand, visit them with banana bread, send them a greeting card, write them a sweet letter...
...Help them pick up their potatoes- or secretly leave a coupon behind.
It doesn't matter how big or small, trivial or costly the act is.
Just do it.
The rewards are great.
The smile is priceless.
*****

Manners are a sensitive awareness of the feelings of others. If you have that awareness, you have good manners, no matter which fork you use. ~Emily Post *****

Today's Five Things
1. Unexpected pleasures
2. Snow days
3. Cheerios
4. Comforters
5. Hot soup

Saving Snowflakes

2010-02-08T05:41:00.005-06:00

A mother is a person who seeing there are only four pieces of pie for five people, promptly announces she never did care for pie. ~Tenneva Jordan

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Being a mother is never easy. Right from the start, it's a challenge. A nine month journey of morning vomit and aching bones and the private knowledge that you are officially bigger than
Shamu. Your sexy walks becomes a waddle, your tiny belly become a blimp, and your attitude toward time is "Hurry, hurry, hurry."
Not until you have that baby- cradle that little human in your arms, do you finally say, "Slow down,Time.Please slow down..."
*****

Most of all the other beautiful things in life come by twos and threes, by dozens and hundreds. Plenty of roses, stars, sunsets, rainbows, brothers and sisters, aunts and cousins, comrades and friends - but only one mother in the whole world. ~Kate Douglas Wiggin

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Being a mother cannot be fully described. There is no set definition, because mothers are as different and unique as snowflakes.
I think the word mother is not a noun, but a verb. I mother my children. It's a process- an invisible blanket of incubation that never fades- a halo of love that is never broken. A daily piece of your heart that is divided and freely given.
Sometimes that piece of your heart returns to you full of pride and joy. Other times, it's a bit broken, fractured, or a tiny bit bruised. But you never stop giving it. You hope. You love. You mother.
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“I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford. Then I want to move in with them.” Phyllis Diller

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If they gave awards for mothering, my mom would surely have a giant one. Because everything I do in my adult life- my choices,my attitude and my convictions are all based on how she raised me. A mothers heart and hands never leave ones memory.
My mother's heart was as big as all the world, and although she had nine children- it was never too crowded or too busy or too tired to fit us in.
And her hands are wings now- still guiding me with an unseen gentleness that propels my life.
There is no blueprint, no instruction booklet, no expert that can tell you how to be a mom. It just happens. Just as simply and as quietly as stars appear in a darkened sky. And as miraculously.
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A mother is the truest friend we have, when trials heavy and sudden, fall upon us; when adversity takes the place of prosperity; when friends who rejoice with us in our sunshine desert us; when trouble thickens around us, still will she cling to us, and endeavor by her kind precepts and counsels to dissipate the clouds of darkness, and cause peace to return to our hearts. ~Washington Irving

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I like to think that I am a good mother, but it is the final outcome- the end result of my mothering that will matter in this world. If I have raised intelligent, independent, compassionate, and happy children, then I have succeeded on my part. Yet, ultimately their own choices will shape their lives.
Mothering well- is knowing that those choices will be based on what you have taught them, shown them, and been for them.
It is knowing you did your best even during the rough and dark times. That you didn't loose courage or determination or affection. That you kept right on walking through the storms because you knew the sun would shine again, brighter than ever.
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“Every mother is like Moses. She does not enter the promised land. She prepares a world she will not see.” Pope Paul VI
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I know that I won't always be here for my children. I realize that Time didn't really slow down like I asked it to. I see that my babies are adults- and memories are all I have of their Story of Growing Up. But they sure are good ones.
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I cannot forget my mother. She was my bridge. When I needed to get across, she steadied herself long enough for me to run across safely. ~Renita Weems
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I vow to be a better mother. To listen more closely. To criticize less, hug more, give a little breathing room. To adore and memorize my adult children from afar-as well as I did when they were clinging to my neck or sleeping in my lap.
Definition of children: The same as the definition of mother:
They are as different and unique as snowflakes. Handle them with care. They will too soon drift away.
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Youth fades; love droops; the leaves of friendship fall; A mother's secret hope outlives them all. ~Oliver Wendell Holmes
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Here's to you, Mom. For warm memories of home. Of kitchen tables and fresh coffee- of jelly donuts and pork chops in grease gravy- of gardens and tulips and bleeding hearts- of blue dresses and garters and fuzzy pink house slippers- of powdered donuts and soap operas and visits to the neighbors- of Christmases and fireworks and Croatian bread- but mostly, Mom, thank you for your mothering. Your endless love. Your lessons.

Funny... after all these years, I still keep saying the same thing over and over-
"Slow down,Time.Please slow down..."
*****

The moment a child is born, the mother is also born. She never existed before. The woman existed, but the mother, never. A mother is something absolutely new. ~Rajneesh
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Today's Five Things:
1. Memories
2. Hot wings
3. Real butter
4. A Warm towel
5. Erasers

Love Notes

2010-02-05T06:58:00.007-06:00

Spouse: someone who'll stand by you through all the trouble you wouldn't have had if you'd stayed single. ~Author Unknown
*****
Men are funny creatures. It is amazing to me that they have the same number of fingers and toes that a woman does. Because at times they seem so alien- so vastly opposite from the female- that I am certain all relationships must be miracles.
They are the divine labor of God. There's no other explanation why the two sexes come together, love, marry, and multiply.
But they say there is someone for everyone. And that all matches are made in heaven.
Good thing.
Or I would have never looked twice at my husband.
*****
Anyone can catch your eye, but it takes someone special to catch your heart.
~Author Unknown
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At nineteen, I wasn't really looking for love. I was looking for my wings. Which meant fun, weekend parties, beer, rock and roll music, friends and- did I mention fun?
I suppose in the back of my mind, I had a rough idea of what I wanted in a man- what type of husband I would choose if that choice ever presented itself.
Of course, he would be handsome. Ride a white horse. Sweep me off my feet.
We would gallop away into the sunset.
Happy Rich.
And Crazy in Love.
*****

We choose those we like; with those we love, we have no say in the matter.
~Mignon McLaughlin
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But, he came in jeans and a pony tail. Tan, smiling, in an old blue Datsun with his German Shepherd, Abe.
He caught my eye, but I did not consider him a possible love interest.
That was-
not until he considered it first...
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You have to walk carefully in the beginning of love; the running across fields into your lover's arms can only come later when you're sure they won't laugh if you trip. ~Jonathan Carroll, "Outside the Dog Museum"
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I loved his smile. His eyes. And his edgy humor.
But he came with baggage. An Ex. A child. A dog.
A hundred vinyl LP's, tie dye, and Earth Shoes.
But after our first date, all I saw was his good heart.
And it didn't hurt a bit that he was a good kisser.
*****
Love - a wildly misunderstood although highly desirable malfunction of the heart which weakens the brain, causes eyes to sparkle, cheeks to glow, blood pressure to rise and the lips to pucker. ~Author Unknown
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After four months of dating, we were married.
See- I told you that God works miracles. And this one has lasted almost 35 years.
Which only goes to say- keep your eyes open to possibilities. Love may come when you least expect it, from where you least expect it. It may be completely different than the dream you had or the image you created, but when it happens -you will know.
You will miss him in minutes. Laugh at his stupid jokes. Spend money on clothes and perfume to attract him. Forsake your friends and learn to like sports.
Consider his history, but say anyway- "Come on- I love you regardless."
And you'll mean it.
*****
To find someone who will love you for no reason, and to shower that person with reasons, that is the ultimate happiness. ~Robert Brault
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I realize that finding love is the easy part. Keeping it gets rough.
It means having to say you're sorry a thousand times. But also to forgive, just as many.
It is a daily effort to keep it alive. There has to be a lot of mouth-to-mouth resuscitation,
heart palpitations, fever, and compatibility. Routine check-ups from the neck-up ... as well as full body massages... Drugging one another with kindness.
It's like a car- when it starts getting rusty, you have to oil it. Change the tires once in awhile. Shine it up real good when it gets a little ugly.
(And, baby- keep on honkin' the horn! )
Real love will get you down the road a billion miles or more- and never even look at another car.
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Love doesn't sit there like a stone, it has to be made, like bread; remade all of the time, made new. ~Ursula K. LeGuin
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I treasure my husband as though he were part of me. And I thank God everyday for being an excellent matchmaker.
There will always be obstacles, differences, and seeds of darkness in a marriage.
If you build bridges of communication, the obstacles can be washed away.
If you are open to suggestions, changes, or agreements- the differences can be shortened.
And if you plant plenty of sunshine, those seeds will never germinate.

*****
He felt now that he was not simply close to her, but that he did not know where he ended and she began. ~Leo Tolstoy
*****
I am not an expert on marriage. I don't claim to know the secrets of happily ever after.
But I do know it doesn't come together without mutual discipline.
I know that sometimes silence can be the knife that slices the sharpest.
So, today I am going to tell my husband how much I love him, respect him and appreciate him.
*****
The way to love anything is to realize that it may be lost. ~G.K. Chesterton
*****
None of us are perfect, and therefore, cannot have perfect lives. But we can all work harder to make the lives we have a little better. Sweeter. Funner.
Even if these alien men have captured our hearts and taken over the remote control!

In marriage....
May you always see the sunshine through the clouds.
Brown hair beneath the gray.
A great supper on the dollar menu.
A beautiful dance in an awkward stumble.
A happy face on the pillow next to yours.
An opportunity in a rain storm.
A spark amid adversity.
A miracle in your man.

Happy Valentines Day!!!
*****

When you're in love you never really know whether your elation comes from the qualities of the one you love, or if it attributes them to her; whether the light which surrounds her like a halo comes from you, from her, or from the meeting of your sparks. ~Natalie Clifford Barney
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Love is the thing that enables a woman to sing while she mops up the floor after her husband has walked across it in his barn boots. ~Author unknown

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Today's Five Things
1. Unanswered prayers
2. Old LP's
3. Midnight snacks
4. Walks in the rain
5. Rice A Roni

*****

On Becoming You

2010-02-04T06:11:00.005-06:00

Always be a first-rate version of yourself, instead of a second-rate version of somebody else. ~Judy Garland
*****
It continually amazes me how much peer pressure effects young peoples choices.
How what their friends or heroes or neighbors are doing- touches them immensely.
How adopting, mimicking, and following someone elses dress and habits- can somehow make them unique. Or cool. Or happy.
Maybe it is just my age, but I get disgusted with some fashions and fads and celebrity trash that think they are some type of idols. Face it- you are just human. Having purple hair, driving a Porsche and blacking your eyes does not make you indestructible. Or better. Or special.
Is is a type of wanderlust? Retaliation? A call for help?
The hardest thing about life is knowing who you are.
Even at my age, I'm a little confused.
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It takes courage to grow up and become who you really are. ~e.e. cummings
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When I was little, I wanted to grow up to be an artist or a teacher.
I am neither.
Unless you count my play times with paint and the way I raised my children. I suppose there is a little of each dream inside of me, but neither one ever emerged in full force or completely.
I am a kaleidoscope of many things. A tapestry of songs. A quilt of thoughts. A puzzle of dreams. A map of places I've been and places I want to someday go. I am only what my heart feels and my words speak.
All the rest is just covering. Decoration or disguise.
Does your clothing reflect who is inside- or who you wish to be?
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Almost every man wastes part of his life in attempts to display qualities which he does not possess, and to gain applause which he cannot keep. ~Samuel Johnson, The Rambler, 1750
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I remember how hard it was in high school to keep up with the cool kids. My sister and I always seemed to get the latest fashion- only when it was too late. It was out of style and laughed upon by the time we owned it.
I guess I realized then that it was just a game. Those kids were the same kids with or without the cool bell bottoms and peasant blouse or newsboy hat.
And I was the same person, too.
In my Wranglers and Chukka boots and shag hair cut.
*****
Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind. ~Dr. Seuss
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I don't care about keeping up with the Jone's. Having bigger and better than my neighbors or friends.
I buy and nurture what is comfortable for me and what makes me happy. My decisions are based on feelings, not fashion. On my heart, and not Hollywood. On myself- and not myriads of people struggling to die with the most toys.
Maybe I'm weird.
Call me snobby. Eccentric. Static. A party-pooper.
But, you know- Words don't matter. Labels don't count.
If you are my friend, you know the score -and you'll come drink coffee with me at the kitchen table.
*****
Individualism is rather like innocence: There must be something unconscious about it. ~Louis Kronenberger, Company Manners, 1954

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I read a quote the other day that said "Life is not about finding yourself- It's about creating yourself."
Well put.
I'm still trying to create myself. Attempting to put all the good parts of myself together and shuck all the bad parts. To shed old skin for new skin. Dusty ideas for bright ones.
Yet, I follow my own path, Sometimes it's weedy and overgrown and I get lost.
But other times it's like a perfect swim. I glide and smile and see the goal.
Sometimes I'm so closed-minded that there is nothing but a dark hole.
Yet other times, my mind is so open that you can't see the edge of the horizon.
*****

There are joys which long to be ours. God sends ten thousands truths, which come about us like birds seeking inlet; but we are shut up to them, and so they bring us nothing, but sit and sing awhile upon the roof, and then fly away. ~Henry Ward Beecher
*****
I vow to be more open to God's gifts. To listen more closely to my own drum. Do I just want to see beautiful things- or create beautiful things? Hear songs- or sing songs? Watch
the stars- or to reach out to touch them?
We make our own mold. Shape it. Carve it. Chisel it from a blueprint that our hearts make.

Here's hoping that you are you today.
That your eyes are not blinded by wealth or power or fame, but by the soul within you that shines like a lighthouse to guide your life.

Every day is another chance to create who you are.

*****
There's a period of life when we swallow a knowledge of ourselves and it becomes either good or sour inside. ~Pearl Bailey
*****

Today's Five Things:
1. Paper clips
2. Rugs
3. Yellow finches
4. Mail
5. A new magazine

Porch Party

2010-02-03T07:44:00.004-06:00

I thank you God for this most amazing day, for the leaping greenly spirits of trees, and for the blue dream of sky and for everything which is natural, which is infinite, which is yes. ~e.e. cummings

*****
Nature is a wonderful thing-and there is no better place to enjoy it than a porch. It is such a vital part of every home.
It's a free seat to a sunrise, a dry place during a rain storm, and a vantage point for experiencing the seasons.
No matter if you perch on the step, a rocker, or a lawn chair- the miracles are still the same. It's just Life- floating by your door in colors and sounds and scents and textures. Ready to put on a show. Willing to pull you in to the beautiful world of nature. Hoping that you will stop. Take time. Indulge your senses.
*****
Nature is man's teacher. She unfolds her treasures to his search, unseals his eye, illumes his mind, and purifies his heart; an influence breathes from all the sights and sounds of her existence. ~Alfred Billings Street
*****
Poor, dear, silly Spring, preparing her annual surprise! ~Wallace Stevens *****
Even though it is only February, I can see the earth changing. Almost as though everything is getting ready. As though the birds are giddy for a new nest- the sky is awaiting warm winds- the trees are hiding their excitement of blooms.
And things we can't see are preparing. Daffodils are reaching closer to the surface, the sun moves ever so slightly in the sky, and animals begin to awaken from their winter sleep.
A porch gives you the very best seat for the performance...
And you will never be disappointed.
The sun and the moon always rises. They always set. Grass turns green again and spring returns. These are promises never broken.
*****
No winter lasts forever; no spring skips its turn. ~Hal Borland
*****

To find the universal elements enough; to find the air and the water exhilarating; to be refreshed by a morning walk or an evening saunter; to be thrilled by the stars at night; to be elated over a bird's nest or a wildflower in spring - these are some of the rewards of the simple life. ~John Burroughs

*****
I am guilty myself of not taking the time to step out on my porch and watch the sunrise. Just what am I doing for those few minutes that I cannot stop to look- to experience- to share? Every single day we are blessed with signs that prove we are alive- that God has given us another day- that we are not subject to eternal darkness and indifference.
Everyday we are made new again. And so is nature.
Forever moving- changing- morphing-growing-playing... And for what other reason than to bring us joy?
There are wonderful gifts beyond your porch. Have you unwrapped them yet today?
*****
Everything is blooming most recklessly; if it were voices instead of colors, there would be an unbelievable shrieking into the heart of the night. ~Rainer Maria Rilke, Letters of Rainer Maria Rilke

*****
I need to believe that the dishes can wait. That what is going on outdoors is of greater importance than the laundry- can bring me more sincere happiness than the television- and can relax me more than a shot of liquor or a lazy nap.
Someday when we are stuffed into a nursing home -or our lives become contained in a small room with a lumpy bed- when we are someday unable to enjoy the porch or the yard-
we will mourn it with a deep sadness.With penetrating regret that we were not a good spectator
during those days when our eyes were able to see, our hands feel, our noses smell and our ears hear.
Don't wait too late.
Spring will be back for encore performance.
But you may not be.
*****
Let the rain kiss you. Let the rain beat upon your head with silver liquid drops. Let the rain sing you a lullaby. ~Langston Hughes
*****
Where does the white go when the snow melts? ~Author Unknown

*****
Meditation is something that could benefit us all. Moments where we turn off everything and open our souls to the things around us. A chirping bird, the wind in the pines, a fish jumping on the pond- to see lilac streaks upon the sky- a firefly beating in the darkness- the feel of moist earth and green corn- the smell of hay and honeysuckle and rain....
I vow to take more time to open my eyes. To inhale the sweetness of the seasons.
To rock on my porch and applaud what I see- and be thankful another new day has arrived.
*****
As each day comes to us refreshed and anew, so does my gratitude renew itself daily. The breaking of the sun over the horizon is my grateful heart dawning upon a blessed world. ~Adabella Radici
*****
Hem your blessings with thankfulness so they don't unravel. ~Author Unknown
*****

Today's Five Things:
1. My porch
2. Green grass
3. Cold watermelon
4. Home made ice cream
5. Soft sweaters

Big Faith. Little Bites.

2010-02-02T06:34:00.003-06:00

Put "eat chocolate" at the top of your list of things to do today. That way, at least you'll get one thing done. ~Author Unknown
*****
It's quite difficult to get through my lists of resolutions when the world just wants to tempt me. Have you ever seen so many chocolate commercials and store displays in all your life? Why is it that they seem to know I'm only millimeters from falling off the wagon and into their dessert cart? Does somebody get extreme satisfaction of watching me drool, sweat, and tiptoe past the candy?
It's not fair. Why can't I simply love lettuce? Why don't I crave carrots? Why aren't my fantasies composed of bean sprouts and hummus?
Diets, simply put- are the Devil.
*****
Chocolate is ground from the beans of happiness. ~Alexis F. Hope
*****
With Valentine's Day approaching, merchants seem to think we are all going to quit our diets for a day to scarf down a heart shaped box of chocolates. (Darn it! Makes me so mad when they are right!)
It seems that on the first of January there were displays of all-natural fiber, lo-cal luxuries, and fat free feasts to help us weight challenged people to jump start our new year. Then, before we've even finished the pack of rice cakes, the bundle of radishes or the sawdust cereal, they start waving the Super Bowl in front of us.
And I'm not talking just ads for nachos here. I'm talking ooey-gooey ,cheesy-pleasey, chili-fied, and sauce smothered- with crispy fresh and flavorably salty chips, heaped high into a mountain of pure sin.
Enough said.
Wipe your chin and listen up.
*****
"Nine out of ten people like chocolate. The tenth person always lies." - John Q. Tullius
*****
We are better than butter and buns and cookies and crepes! We must unite! And show places like WalMart that we are strong! That we can make it through this month of trials and torture!
That our firm bodies will be slipping into naughty elf suits by Christmas! (Instead of our traditional Santa suits!)
We just gotta look ahead. And see the light.
Crap!
My light says "Fresh Donuts Now".
*****
Don't wreck a sublime chocolate experience by feeling guilty. ~Lora Brody
*****
Seriously, if we don't put our feet and forks down now, our health, appearance and our relationships will be tested. And I want more than all the world to hold my head high and say I've done it! I've made it! I reached my goal! I've got a closet full of new jeans I can't wear and tops I can't stretch wide enough. And my mirror reflects more rolls than a Pillsbury party.
I've done it before and I can do it again. Like they say, "Nothing tastes as good as being thin feels."
*****

Seize the moment. Remember all those women on the Titanic who waved off the dessert cart. ~Erma Bombeck
*****
That said, if my husband buys me chocolates for Valentine's Day, I won't kill him. But I won't shovel the entire two-layer box of Witman Sampler's in my mouth in one sitting, either. I will only enjoy one a day- let the yumminess dance in my mouth like a velvet lump of honey- savoring the treat as a reward for holding back. For my hellish moderation and good sense.
That, my friends, is the secret to a successful diet.
Big Faith. Little Bites.
*****

The best day of your life is the one on which you decide your life is your own. No apologies or excuses. No one to lean on, rely on, or blame. The gift is yours - it is an amazing journey - and you alone are responsible for the quality of it. This is the day your life really begins. ~Bob Moawad
*****

Today's Five Things:
1. Rice vinegar
2. Subway
3. Blank canvas
4. Old gourds
5. Thick stew

Somewhere In Time

2010-02-01T05:44:00.007-06:00

In nothing are we as rich as in our memories; they are pictures painted by our hearts, and nothing can erase them.
-- Flavia
*****
Memories are strange things. They can be objects, souvenirs, a box full of photos. But, they can also be a mist of days you can see in your mind- a heap of happy that tickles in your heart- things you yearn for and wish could be made real again.
Nothing is more bittersweet than seeing your children grow up.
(Your arms want to hold them forever, but your feet are ready to kick them out and say "I told you so." -that "money doesn't grow on trees"- and "now you'll find out who pays the electric bill." )
Yet, as my nest is eerily quiet now, I focus upon my memories- like pieces of jigsaw puzzles in a cyclone. Like overflowing file cabinets in my brain.They flood my heart and comfort my soul and make me smile.
But every day they fade a little more. Washed away like sand. Pulled away by the forces of time and nature. Colors fuse, years are foggy, places become obscure and conversations forgotten.
That's why we should all keep a journal. A diary. A place for memories to live in their tangible form.
A scrapbook, a photo album, a video library. A place where age cannot undermine the clarity of those moments.
*****
What we remember from childhood we remember forever - permanent ghosts, stamped, inked, imprinted, eternally seen. ~Cynthia Ozick
*****
That being said, as parents we need to be careful what memories that our children keep. The time you fought and cursed over the dent in the car- should not be remembered over the fishing trip one summer. Sad times should be smothered by the happy ones.
(And for all intents and purposes, they should not remember the time you did a hippo flop playing basketball at 40, tried cartwheels at age 50 and twisted your rotator cuff, or fell in a ditch at Halloween last year- dressed like a witch and reeking of wine.)
*****
Memory is a child walking along a seashore. You never can tell what small pebble it will pick up and store away among its treasured things. ~Pierce Harris, Atlanta Journal
*****
I believe memories have to be nurtured- invented- pursued.
Don't let anything deter you from planning that family vacation, the weekend outing, that special game night at home. These are the days they will remember.
While away in a lonely college dorm, driving to work on a snowing morning, watching their own children play in the sand.... your children will fondly recall family times.
And without saying it, they will thank you.
*****
Pleasure is the flower that passes; remembrance, the lasting perfume. ~Jean de Boufflers
*****
Sometimes it's not easy making memories.
For a few years, camping was our way of making the family bonds- of seeking new places and faces and adventures for our children to tuck into the keepsake boxes of their hearts.
It was a pain to prepare. To load swim wear and water shoes and sleeping bags and pillows and blankets and mosquito repellent and coolers and food and snacks and the camera and tents and a radio and utensils and ...I was worn out and ready to stay home!
But, once we reached our destination, I was always glad we went. The kids explored the woods, caught fish, swam in the river, and sat around the fire as we talked and laughed...and made memories.
Today they remember things about our camping trips that I had forgotten. They were experiences that help mold and fashion their character.
Don't ever think a moment is too small for a memory.
Even one second, well spent- will never be forgotten.
*****
“The memories of my family outings are still a source of strength to me. I remember we'd all pile into the car - I forget what kind it was - and drive and drive. I'm not sure where we'd go, but I think there were some trees there. The smell of something was strong in the air as we played whatever sport we played. I remember a bigger, older guy we called "Dad." We'd eat some stuff, or not, and then I think we went home. I guess some things never leave you.”
Jack Handy
*****
I hope my kids and grand kids remember me in a good way.
Not me standing at the sink in my ragged robe and argyle socks- cursing the Thanksgiving turkey because it was still frozen-
or the time I accidentally dyed my hair red and wore a bandanna for three days-
or the time I was moving rocks by the pond and ripped off an entire fingernail...
Well-okay-you get the idea.
I want them to remember my laugh, my smile, my love of giving parties. My love of coffee and chocolate- of writing and painting- of loving their father...
Of the hundred times I dragged that stupid tent down from the attic and squeezed it into a crowded truck bed- just so they could go to the river.
Things like that.
*****
Memory is a way of holding onto the things you love, the things you are, the things you never want to lose. ~From the television show The Wonder Years
*****
What I'm trying to say today is- make some memories. Don't wait for them to happen. Go find them.
Make your memory file box so full that you will never be lonely, sad or forgotten.
Enjoy family times. Together. As a circle of people bound by blood and love.
Your children will always be made grateful, stronger, and be forever comforted by their memories.
Take the time. Take the money. Take the chance.
And someday when you find yourself in a quiet house- an empty nest- you can sit by the window and reflect on what treasures you have given them.
It won't be the new CD, the money for gas, the used furniture or the leftover casserole that they will remember and love you for.
It will be a piece of your self.
Of time unselfishly given.
Of sincere smiles and awkward moments and a string of priceless days.
Of camping and cartwheels.
Monopoly and movies.
Fishing and friends.
Beaches and balloons.
Sunsets and smiles...

And, darn it- frozen turkey, too.
*****
Nothing is more memorable than a smell. One scent can be unexpected, momentary and fleeting, yet conjure up a childhood summer beside a lake in the mountains; another, a moonlit beach; a third, a family dinner of pot roast and sweet potatoes during a myrtle-mad August in a Midwestern town. Smells detonate softly in our memory like poignant land mines hidden under the weedy mass of years. Hit a tripwire of smell and memories explode all at once. A complex vision leaps out of the undergrowth. ~Diane Ackerman, A Natural History of the Senses
*****
Today's Five Things
1. Memories
2. Sharpies
3. Lists
4. Sunsets
5. Honeysuckle

Time Trials

2010-01-29T05:05:00.004-06:00

"There's always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to look for it. For example, I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don't hurt." -- Author Unknown

*****
Have you ever had one of those OMG kind of days? Those kind of mornings when you look into the mirror and profanity rolls from your lips like Linda Blair? When the reflection in the mirror startles you like an unexpected intruder? When you just wanna crawl back into bed and hope it's all been one crazy nightmare?
Well, if you haven't ever experienced that type of day, then you must be young and beautiful and self-confident. And so, I suggest you go file your nails or fluff your hair- or do whatever it is that beautiful people do.
Because this post is gonna be ugly...

*****
"Old age is no place for sissies." -- Bette Davis
*****
The other day when I was looking in the mirror, I asked myself where all those little hairs came from. Some were blond, others black- and there were even downy looking gray ones. Popping out across my lips and chin like some sort of freaky Chia Pet.
Then, when I finished frowning at the hair- I noticed the wrinkles- deep twists of misplaced skin that gravity has played tug-of-war with for the past few years. And won!
Of course, it didn't help that I was staring into my 3X magnification mirror at the time.
But, the evidence was there, just the same.
I'm getting old.
And there's nothing I can do about it- but die.
*****

“Probably the saddest thing you'll ever see is a mosquito sucking on a mummy. Forget it, little friend.” Jack Handy
*****
I've never been one to use a lot of makeup, but lately I spend more time looking at Cover Girl ads than I do the Weather Channel.
Yet, I become instantly discouraged when I realize that all those cosmetics are simply a type of old-age Bondo. They might fill the wrinkles for awhile or disguise the imperfections, but underneath is an old lady who wonders who she is trying to fool.
*****
“Nobody loves a woman because she is handsome or ugly, stupid or intelligent. We love because we love.” Unknown author
*****
I have no eyelashes left. They gravitated to my chin one night and no one bothered to tell me until I felt them- stiff like ten-pound fishing line- jutting from my chin in the middle of a huge crowd. Have you ever tried to pull one of those suckers with your fingernails?
Not gonna happen.
That's why I never leave the house unprepared. I always carry tweezers- and when not available- a pair of pliers does nicely.
Seriously.
One morning while at the computer, I felt a chin hair, but was too lazy to get up and find the tweezers. So I opened the desk drawer and grabbed a pair of needle-nose pliers and plucked that thing faster than a goose on a bug.
The secret to age is to improvise.
And pray a lot.
Although, paper sacks come in handy sometimes, too.
*****
“During the Middle Ages, probably one of the biggest mistakes was not putting on your armor because you were "just going down to the corner."” Jack Handy
*****
The quote above is just to say that nomatter how old or ugly you are, at least try to mask it well when appearing in public. Do you best to fix your hair, brighten your checks- dress well and emit confidence. You never know who you might run into.
(Especially if you still have that paper sack over your head and it's distorting your vision.)
For example, one October evening, my family decided to all go to one of the local House of Horrors. I didn't have time to dress and put on makeup or do my hair, so I left the house in my "I hope nobody I know sees me" moods.
I came out of that haunted house with a paycheck!
Lesson?
You might be old, but don't be scarey.
*****

"Joy is the best makeup." -Anne Lamott
*****
I've heard those tall tales about growing old gracefully, except no one has ever written an instruction booklet on it. I suspect that those graceful old ladies cry themselves to sleep at night or have temper tantrums in the dressing room just like the rest of us. The difference between them and me is that they are great pretenders. And I feel funny looking like someone I don't feel like.
Does that make sense?
But a cheerful attitude and a winning smile is the very best mask one can wear. Sparkling eyes and a contagious laugh can erase visible wrinkles faster than Olay Regenerist and cheaper than Botox.
Be you.
If that means wearing your age proudly, then just do it.
And it doesn't hurt to be casual, creative and imaginative while you're at it.
*****
"Beautiful young people are accidents of nature, but beautiful old people are works of art." --Eleanor Roosevelt
*****
Whenever I have one of those OMG days, I try to put it all into perspective. I am alive. I breathe. I feel. I love. I get a chance to spend another day on this beautiful earth.
No one said you have to be young and beautiful to bring happiness to others, to enjoy a glass of wine, giant snowflakes, puppy dogs, corn dogs, thick novels or purple sunsets. To feel joy, pain, surprise, delight and passion.
Our hearts are forever young.
And our eyes never grow old. They never tire of seeing.
Even what is in the mirror.
*****

"Normal day, let me be aware of the treasure you are. Let me learn from you, love you, bless you before you depart. Let me not pass you by in quest of some rare and perfect tomorrow. Let me hold you while I may, for it may not always be so. One day I shall dig my nails into the earth, or bury my face in the pillow, or stretch myself taut, or raise my hands to the sky and want, more than all the world, your return. " ~Mary Jean Iron
*****
Todays Five Things:
1. Birthdays
2. Mascara
3. Magazines
4. Goodwill
5. Walnuts

Even Tho We Ain't Got Money....

2010-01-28T05:05:00.001-06:00

A rich person is not one who has the most, but is one who needs the least. - Interview with God (Johann)

*****

Money has such an influence in our lives. Every moment of the day- the thought is there-from the moment you awake, until your dreams overtake you.
Gotta get up and go to work (Money). Gotta gas up the car(Money). Gotta grab some breakfast (Money). Gotta pay some bills (Money). Food (Money). Kids (Money). Clothes (Money)...The list goes on.
And never goes away.
Money has definitely been the one subject that has caused the most friction in my marriage. And I think it is typical of most marriages. Pay this. Pay that. Not this. Not that. Save this. Spend that. There will always be a difference of opinion about where the money will come from, where it will go, and who shall spend it-and on what.
*****

" Life is short and nobody ever went to their deathbed wishing they had spent more time at the office." (Charlie Brown)
*****
As a newly married bride, I made the best I could of a rented home, cast off furniture, yard sale finds and creativity. I spent a lot of time dreaming of something better and bigger and brighter.
In one of my old journals, I wrote that I wished I could afford to buy yellow paint for the bathroom and tiny scented soaps and a pretty hand towel. Those wants seem simple and almost pitiful now, but back then- they were huge.
Which only goes to prove what they say about the more you get, the more you want. Simple things achieved -lead only to more extravagant wishes.
And, sadly, the result of never being satisfied with simplicity- is debt.

*****
"The cost of a thing is the amount of what I call life which is required to be exchanged for it, immediately- or in the long run."
Henry David Thoreau
*****
The mistake that we all make about money, is that it will keep coming and we will keep living.
To face the truth is painful, but some day very necessary. We will all die. What will that shiny car and new house be worth then? Will all those years of toil and work be worth the satisfaction of lying on your death bed and looking at all those things you bought?
Or rather, will the faces of those you love, bring you overwhelming peace? Will memories of days spent well mean more than money spent well?
*****

“Time is free, but it's priceless.
You can't own it, but you can use it.
You can't keep it, but you can spend it.
Once you've lost it- you can never get it back.”
Harvey MacKay

*****
My husband and I keep saying that we will someday return to the hills of Missouri where he fondly spent some of his childhood. We have often discussed building a cabin or cottage and planning it so that we will owe nothing but our monthly utilities.
But even then- simplicity gets complicated. Where do you draw the line?
At first I said- "one bedroom with a loft", then it was "two bedrooms" (extra for guests).
Then I decided there was no way I could exist without a pantry- a laundry area, a computer center, a screened porch, a garage, and lots of storage.
Back to Square One.
Simplicity is not simple. You have to wrap your mind around it. You have to be content with less.
But also realize that in the end, you will be richer.
*****
"Money may be the husk of many things but not the kernel. It brings you food, but not appetite; medicine, but not health; acquaintance, but not friends; servants, but not loyalty; days of joy, but not peace or happiness. " ~Henrik Ibsen

*****
When I was growing up, I never considered us a poor family. But, in retrospect, I suppose we were.
We got two new outfits every fall when school started. We owned a couple of pair of socks and underwear- and hand me downs were priceless. There were ten of us living in a two bedroom house.
But the fact that we were happy and loved- disguised the fact that we were poor.
What price is Happy? Sometimes it must be for the lack of money that we truly discover it.
*****
"To suppose as we all suppose, that we could be rich and not behave as the rich behave, is like supposing that we could drink all day and stay sober." ~Logan Pearsall Smith
*****
My goal this year is to take a better reign on my finances. To cut back where possible, to save when needed, and to set priorities so that the process of debt elimination is painless and quick.
We are in better shape this year than last. Which is a plus.
But- would it not be wonderful to sit back and say- "Let's spend the day laying in a hammock- and come nightfall- watch the stars." And to not worry one iota that eight hours of labor and sweat was not necessary to make it through the day? Or the next twenty years?
*****
"Enjoy the little things, for one day you may look back
and realize they were the big things."
- Robert Brault
*****

I married my husband to live my days with him.
To share sunsets, not a sedan.
To share moments, not a Master Card.
To share kisses, not contempt.
To fondle and not fight.
To live simply, not stressed.
To breathe and not be afraid to keep breathing.
It doesn't take much to live comfortably. And I'm ready to give up all my garbage for a walk in the leaves, the sweet song of the birds, my husband at my side- carving wood or playing guitar-
or holding my hand on the porch swing.
Simplicity will ultimately cost us something. Mostly time. The tossing away of greed. Of competition with friends and neighbors. The gotahaveitnow attitude.

I'm ready.
Like someone named Wu- Men once said, "If your mind isn't clouded by unnecessary things,
this is the best season of your life."
*****
"I would rather sit on a pumpkin and have it all to myself,
than be crowded on a velvet cushion."
from the chapter "Economy" in Walden

*****
Today's Five Things:
1. Grand kids
2. Pillows
3. Shaved legs
4. Spinach
5. A full moon

Kindness

2010-01-27T05:41:00.003-06:00

"Today I bent the truth to be kind, and I have no regret, for I am far surer of what is kind than I am of what is true. " ~Robert Brault

*****
I've been thinking lately, that there is another aspect of my life that I didn't include in the top ten.
Character.
What good would being thin and holy and beautiful and married and talented even be- if we are not kind? If we are not good people inside- the outside doesn't matter. We all need to strive to improve our relationships with others.
I suppose that Character could be absorbed by all the top ten on my list. Because it truly must be present in all aspects in order for the gears of life to turn correctly. Not one of those ten things, perfectly done, is a success- if done with the wrong attitude- or a sour heart.
Attitude is key.
And kindness is never wasted.
*****
"Don't be yourself - be someone a little nicer." ~Mignon McLaughlin
*****
Kindness shouldn't have to be forced, faked or forged. And when it is- it becomes transparent, worthless and weak. Don't ever pretend. People can see through it. Hearts get broken, friendships die, and lives are upset.
Being nicer should be natural- easy- and a daily priority. And once you start to utilize your smile and kind words, each day becomes easier- brighter- more enriched with friends.
It all goes back to the simplicity of God's word: "Do unto others as you would have them do unto you."
*****
"You cannot do a kindness too soon, for you never know how soon it will be too late." ~Ralph Waldo Emerson
*****
I have never had many friends. In fact, I can still count the close ones on one hand.
In high school I knew all the "cool" kids, but didn't hang out in their circles. In fact, I didn't even have a circle. I always felt as though I didn't fit in- wasn't good enough- rich enough- or cool enough. I was reclusive, quiet, stand-offish. But I always smiled, said hello, and brightened someone's day whenever I could.
It doesn't take much to smile and open a door for someone, compliment them on their new shoes, laugh at their jokes and offer assistance. Go the extra mile.
You'll feel better. Because it's contagious.
*****
"A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person." ~Dave Barry, "Things That It Took Me 50 Years to Learn"
*****
I started banking at a local facility here and immediately noticed how unfriendly the teller was. She never smiled, rarely greeted me as I pulled to the window, and "Thank you" was evidently
lacking from her vocabulary.
I could have easily snapped back. Frowned. Become sour whenever she appeared to wait on me. Sneered at her...treated her unkindly.
But I didn't.
I tried to think of excuses for her. She hates her job. She's had a bad day, There are problems at home. We do not know what kind of lives that are led behind closed doors. (Yet, ideally, as a professional person that interacts with the public, she should have set her problems aside until after work hours.)
One day I had just had enough of Sour Puss.
I retaliated.
"Oh- are you wearing your hair different?" I asked, "It looks really cute." (And it really did.)
Her frosty demeanor melted instantly. Her pickle face turned peachy. Her frigid eyes lit up and that frown curled into a beautiful smile.
"Thank you," she said.
Ka-ching!!
With a few kind words, I managed to put kind words back into her vocabulary.
And even today- every time I do my banking there, she greets me with a smile and a bit of chit-chat, and a sincere wish that I have a good day.
*****
"Each friend represents a world in us, a world possibly not born until they arrive." ~Anäis Nin
*****
Years ago, when I was in third grade or so, the teacher decided that we should all have pen pals. We picked a name and address off a list and promptly sent out handwritten notes about ourselves in short scribbled paragraphs. I think it was an exercise in writing and not in friendship, but it made us realize that everyone loved communication. Because whenever I got my own letter in the mail, I was ecstatic. My pen pal wrote me!
It may have been just a half page of the weather -or their dog- or something they did at school, but it was a private message- an invisible link- an unsaid friendship that sprung from kindness and concern.
*****
"Remember that everyone you meet is afraid of something, loves something and has lost something. " ~H. Jackson Brown, Jr.
*****
I am so blessed with a new kind of pen pal now.
My blogging friends.
How wonderful to start out the morning knowing that there are people out there who don't care if you're "cool"- don't know that you're wearing stretched out pajamas- and never question your new hair color!
These women may have invisible faces, but they have obvious hearts. Big and full and ready to spread their kindness and share their lives. They are honest. Loyal.Talented.Funny. Sad.
They open up the door to their lives and share their corner of the world. Through words and photos and the telling of their tales.
They may not know it, but they make me smile. Their blogs are like that pen pal letter coming to me in the mail. I'm ecstatic!
As a blogger, it is always wonderful to know you have a new follower. Someone who cares what you say and likes how you say it.
When I went to church Sunday- (Yes! You heard me correctly- it's the first time I'd been to a church service in over ten years! But that's beside the point!)
Anyway...I was introduced to Kathy. A very sweet gal who claims to read my blogs every day.
Wow! A new friend- suddenly visible and real! Thank you, Kathy. I now think of you every time I drag myself to the keyboard and hammer my brain for ideas.
Your kindness gives me the push to create.
And your friendship gives me a silent happiness that cannot be expressed.
*****

"When we honestly ask ourselves which person in our lives mean the most to us, we often find that it is those who, instead of giving advice, solutions, or cures, have chosen rather to share our pain and touch our wounds with a warm and tender hand. The friend who can be silent with us in a moment of despair or confusion, who can stay with us in an hour of grief and bereavement, who can tolerate not knowing, not curing, not healing and face with us the reality of our powerlessness, that is a friend who cares. " ~Henri Nouwen
*****
This year, I vow to be kinder, sweeter, softer. I vow to be more understanding, aware, and considerate of others. I vow to uplift, carry and pull those people I meet who need a shot of
generosity and positive influence. I vow to make new friends, even if we never meet. To do unto others as I would have them do unto me.
To build my Character.
Because when the time comes and my life is over, I hope every person in the room can say without a doubt- "She was kind."
*****

"A good character is the best tombstone. Those who loved you and were helped by you will remember you when forget-me-nots have withered. Carve your name on hearts, not on marble." ~Charles H. Spurgeon
*****

Today's Five Things:
1. Vacations
2. Tulips
3. Hot showers
4. TV Guides
5. New socks

Just Leap

2010-01-26T05:40:00.004-06:00

" It’s when you’re safe at home that you wish you were having an adventure. When you’re having an adventure you wish your were safe at home. "
Thornton Wilder

*****
My dreams and promises of adventure have remained pitifully small and simple so far this year.
I took a giant leap and drove over the speed limit on Broadway last week. I used my debit card at WalMart instead of writing a check. And I traded sides of the bed with my husband.
Pretty adventurous life I lead, I know.
But, I got to thinking- adventure will not find me. It doesn't live here. It doesn't even know my name!
I have got to go out and find it.
*****
" The voyage of discovery is not in seeking new landscapes but in having new eyes "
Marcel Proust
*****
Lying in bed the other night, I told my husband that I had been thinking about a vacation.
How neat it would be to travel out west. Just start driving and stop when we see an interesting
landmark or we're too tired to drive any longer. Then just pull over and start our trek again in the morning.
Ever since I saw Lonesome Dove, I've wanted to go to Montana. There was something so alluring about those blue skies and green meadows and snow capped mountains.
While some women dream of a sandy beach, a good novel, a sweet cocktail and a bottle of sunscreen- I've been dreaming of a log cabin and a bubbling creek- boots and booze and buffaloes-tee pees and trails and dusty days that follow me into my dreams.
But, then- after we discussed a possible vacation date, I suddenly got realistic- or scared-
or both.
"I suppose we could just stay home and clean the garage, too." I said.
And he shrugged. "Whatever. Keep thinking about it."
*****
" Adventure isn’t hanging on a rope off the side of a mountain. Adventure is an attitude that we must apply to the day to day obstacles of life -- facing new challenges, seizing new opportunities, testing our resources against the unknown and in the process, discovering our own unique potential "
John Amatt
*****
I guess that is one drawback of seeking adventure. Housework finds you first. Chores greet you on a daily basis. The bank account screams of the doctor bill or the faucet cries out to be replaced. The grass won't cut itself- the garden must be tilled-
Who are we to forgo it all for a taste of the unknown?
Where do you draw the line between responsibility and adventure?
First of all- I think it starts with not thinking at all.
Just doing.
As one old proverb says, "Leap and the net shall appear."
But I struggle with that. I figure we could spend that time and money on much needed landscaping instead of a wild west trip.
You see, even when adventure is looking me straight in the eye, I look away.
*****
Yesterday is ashes; tomorrow wood. Only today does the fire burn brightly.
Eskimo proverb
*****
My mother spent twenty years of her life battling cancer. It was a nightmare of ups and downs. Of hospitals and radiation- of welcomed remissions and bittersweet memories.
One thing my mother always wanted to do was to see the ocean. She wanted to stick her feet in it and look out to where there was no end to the blueness.
During one of her last healthy years, Mom and Dad finally took a vacation. A real vacation. Probably their very first vacation ever. They had spent all those years raising us nine kids.
She loved the ocean- the sun- the loving days that she and Dad spent together.
They could have been prudent and put that money toward hospital bills. But, when Mom died, what would Dad have? Just more bills. And regrets.
It was the memory- the experience- the adventure- that kept Mom living for as long as she did.
She talked about it often with a smile on her face.
And it was the memory of Mom smiling- with her feet in the ocean- that kept Dad going after she died.
You can't put a price on memories.

*****

" Life is NOT a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well-preserved body, but rather to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming -- ’WOW, what a ride!!! "
Anonymous

****
This morning I sent off for maps and travel guides of Montana. I might even spend the day searching for things to do along the way.
We may never save enough money or get the time off, but at least I have begun dreaming.
And that is where it starts.
If you let adventure- even the slightest hint of it- enter your thoughts- then you are surely at risk . A risk that soon there may be the possibility of leaping into an unseen net.
Of making memories that money can't buy.
The landscaping?
It can wait.
Because adventure is calling...

And today it knows my name.
*****
“Life is uncharted territory. It reveals its story one moment at a time.”
Leo F. Buscaglia
*****

Today's Five Things:
1. Cream Horns
2. Blog buddies
3. HGTV
4. Buttons
5. Fried rice

Fresh Tears

2010-01-25T05:48:00.005-06:00

"Relationships are like glass. Sometimes it's better to leave them broken than try to hurt yourself putting it back together. " ~Author Unknown
*****
When it comes to family, we try our best to bring them happiness. To nurture, teach, and provide them with all things to make their life more comfortable and satisfying. It is our nature to want to protect them. Watch their steps closely. Keep them within a safe distance- always ready to catch them when they fall.
But, I've come to realize that they don't always want to be caught. That sometimes you just have to let them fall.
Because until they skin their knees and tear their clothes and lose their way-they will never understand your warnings. They will never appreciate the hand you hold out for them- or the pain your heart feels by watching them fall.
*****
"Numbing the pain for a while will make it worse when you finally feel it. " ~J.K. Rowling *****
One relationship in my life that I treasure the most, is the one with my sister Linda. We grew up thick as thieves and inseparable- rarely fighting, content on sharing, and steadfast companions.
There was a gap in our closeness- those years we raised our children- worked to keep our household together- lived in different towns- stretched our wings and flew away from that tight circle of home.
But somehow, the path led back to one another. We became acquainted again- as women- mothers- people who had different interests and unique families to share.
We were always there for one another in good times and bad. Always ready to listen, to help, to give advice where needed.
Yet, I have recently learned that sometimes she can't listen, doesn't need my help-
and I'm unable to give her advice about something I know nothing of.
Divorce is like the sweet family dog that suddenly attacks you- and runs off with half your heart.
But she's not letting the dog go. She keeps running after it.
*****
"Have you ever been hurt and the place tries to heal a bit, and you just pull the scar off of it over and over again? " ~Rosa Parks
*****
There is nothing worse than watching someone you love suffer.
Linda's heartbreak has become mine. The despair and sadness of her life has crept into my life... into the folds of my days like spilled ink. To hear her heart cry out, mine heart has also wept. To see her anger flare, has also ignited mine.
But just like the saying "Friends don't let friends drive drunk"...Well, sisters don't let sisters wallow in the mud without helping them up and rinsing them off.
I just wish I knew how to do that.
*****
"Life is thickly sown with thorns, and I know no other remedy than to pass quickly through them. The longer we dwell on our misfortunes, the greater is their power to harm us." ~Voltaire
*****
I do know that Linda is a strong person.That divorce will not make her weaker or worse or half of something.
Sometimes it is adversity that makes us better. That opens our eyes- that hushes away the blindness and the illusions.
She has just got to believe in herself.
She keeps trying to look down the road a hundred miles- and wonders how she'll ever make it that far.
One step at a time. One day at a time.
She's missing today's sunrise because she's looking at tomorrow's clouds.
*****

"I don't know why they call it heartbreak. It feels like every other part of my body is broken too." ~Missy Altijd
*****
I can't begin to know her feelings. I can't walk in her shoes, wake up in her bed- live her daily life. It is that fact that disturbs and depresses me. I am helpless.
It seems all I can do is just stand and watch her drown. None of my lifesavers work. All ropes fail. Bridges collapse.
She keeps tearing the net.
But I'm still on the shore, Linda. Listening. Loving. Waiting. Hoping that you'll finally head to shore and delight at the sand between your toes again and the sun on your face.
It's gonna happen.
I promise.
*****
"That was rough.... Thing to do now is try and forget it.... I guess I don't quite mean that. It's not a thing you can forget. Maybe not even a thing you want to forget.... Life's like that sometimes... Now and then for no good reason a man can figure out, life will just haul off and knock him flat, slam him agin' the ground so hard it seems like all his insides is busted. But it's not all like that. A lot of it's mighty fine, and you can't afford to waste the good part frettin' about the bad. That makes it all bad.... Sure, I know - sayin' it's one thing and feelin' it's another. But I'll tell you a trick that's sometimes a big help. When you start lookin' around for something good to take the place of the bad, as a general rule you can find it. " ~From the movie Old Yeller

*****
Today's Five Things:
1. Movie popcorn
2. A good book
3. Flannel sheets
4. Phone calls
5. A new paintbrush

I Didn't Say I Was Martha Stewart!

2010-01-22T05:29:00.004-06:00

BEFORE

"I wish I were a white crayon, that way no one could use me. " ~Author Unknown
*****
Although I have ten areas to work on, I seem to see a pattern here. Creativity and spirituality has occupied a lot of my time since the new year.
I probably should have prayed for the correct creative choices, though- or beat the paint mixer at WalMart.
I decided to brighten up my computer area- but I got a little more bright than I bargained for. Don't even need my coffee to wake me up!
*****
"Color is my day-long obsession, joy and torment. " ~Claude Monet
*****
I needed to paint this area in my home and I had been itching to get a gallon of paint and go for it! I had even brought home the little paper paint swatches and taped them up all over the wall- studied them in lightness and darkness- by day and by night- and fretted over my choices.
I originally wanted a beautiful purple/magenta color. (After seeing Avitar). Or a sea green-
or a dark blue.
I finally chose what I thought was a dark ocean, but ended up with neon turquoise.
Who knew?
*****
"The more ugly, older, more cantankerous, more ill and poorer I become, the more I try to make amends by making my colors more vibrant, more balanced and beaming." - Vincent van Gogh
*****
The great thing about WalMart paint is that it is fairly cheap.I could easily go back and find another color, but the labor is what I can't get back.
I decided to live with these walls for a bit, and come springtime- maybe re-do it if it hasn't grown on me. I just didn't have the energy to do it all again, even though it was just three small walls.
Besides, it looks good in the dark.
*****

"The thing that is really hard, and really amazing, is giving up on being perfect and beginning the work of becoming yourself." - Anna Quindlen
*****
My husband always makes choices for our home- based on resale value. "No one wants a teal wall." he says. People won't like that- or this- or that way...he reasons.
But I live here. I want this place to be me. My nest. I want my feathers to be comfy and colorful and fit me just right. If I sell it- the new owners can paint it all white or beighe or do whatever makes them happy.
I once had a miniature chair collection that I kept on a shelf, but you couldn't see them very well. So, I proceeded to hammer over thirty holes in the wall in order to hang them up. It was cool. They looked great and I loved seeeing them all - tiny rockers and willows and tin chairs ready for tiny little butts.
I got chewed out for making the nail holes, but it was worth it.
I enjoyed those chairs for several years until I finally gave them away. The holes have been patched and repainted and no one can tell the damage I inflicted with my hammer.
They brought me joy and didn't hurt anyone in the process.
Isn't that's what life is all about?
*****

"Home should be a sanctuary, a place that feels safe and healthy, looks beautiful, and smells wonderful. Seriously... make it a place that you can come to and have an immediate feeling of… Aaaaah. I'm home. Awesome." - Christie Matheson
*****
Being creative doesn't always mean being safe. It is taking chances, looking outside of the box, and not caring what someone else will think of you.
Being creative is knowing there is always a way out- that nothing is ever set in stone. That it is constantly changing and re-inventing itself. And we must open our minds to all possiblities.
And, although this fiesta-looking teal was not my original choice, it is almost like my walls are smiling now.
(Or laughing.)
Either way- they're here to stay for a little while. Maybe forever. Who knows?
At least I wasn't afraid to try.
*****

“Decorate your home. It gives the illusion that your life is more interesting than it really is.” Charles M. Schulz

***** AFTER

Todays Five:

1. Eggs

2. Phones

3. Candles

4. Boots

5. Sunsets

Never A Busy Signal

2010-01-21T06:37:00.004-06:00

"Call on God, but row away from the rocks." ~Indian Proverb
*****
Let me say first that if you are offended in any way by religion, or God, or all the things that go along with belief in a higher power, then today's post is not for you. X-out of this blog and find another place to go until tomorrow.
Because today I am writing about what is on my heart- and nothing else can be felt or said- until this is condensed into words.
I'm not here to preach, or condemn or convert. I am just here today to share my thoughts about prayer.

*****
"Don't pray when it rains if you don't pray when the sun shines." ~Satchel Paige, 1974

*****
I sometimes find myself guilty of that quote. Sometimes I wait till I am in utter despair before I realize that God can fix things. That He will listen. That all I have to do is talk to Him and He will grant me peace. He may not always give me what I want, but He will always give me what I need.
Why do people only pray when they want something? I think we should pray every day to say "Thank you." To be grateful for another morning, another day of life- and all the beauty and confusion and stress and happiness and good and bad- that comes with it. It's a total package.
You get Life. It's like that.
*****
"Life is like a blanket too short. You pull it up and your toes rebel, you yank it down and shivers meander about your shoulder; but cheerful folks manage to draw their knees up and pass a very comfortable night. " ~Marion Howard
*****
I have been really disciplined in reading my Bible every day. I'm not going to lie and say I understand it. A lot of it is above my capacity to perceive and fathom in my mind. But during those quiet mornings by the lamplight, I know that I am seeking my faith. That regardless whether I apprehend what has been written, I am opening a door in my heart for divine intervention. And with that accepted, I am confident that knowledge will come later.
I'm just dialing the phone. I haven't got an answer yet.
But I'm hanging on.
*****
"The value of consistent prayer is not that He will hear us, but that we will hear Him." ~William McGill
*****
That is what is so cool about prayer. It is a calling plan that doesn't cost a thing. It takes only a few minutes, no equipment but your heart, and a belief that your call will not be dropped.
God has universal coverage, connects quickly, and you can access him anywhere.
My goal for this year is to pray more. Be more grateful, giving, and appreciative.
And, mostly- not to have any roll-over minutes left.
The Devil's calling plan won't let you use them.
*****
"For, after all, put it as we may to ourselves, we are all of us from birth to death guests at a table which we did not spread. The sun, the earth, love, friends, our very breath are parts of the banquet.... Shall we think of the day as a chance to come nearer to our Host, and to find out something of Him who has fed us so long?" ~Rebecca Harding Davis
*****
Some people say they don't believe in God. That prayer doesn't work. That they've never seen or talked to Him.
How can you not see Him? I see Him in every whispering pine tree, each blooming flower, a drop of rain, a speck of dust, and in the colors of the sunset.
I hear Him in the laughter of my children, the song of a bird, the wailing of the wind and the beat of my heart.
Sometimes it's easy to just see and hear these things- and not connect them to their maker.
To see with a faithful eye is a good goal.
To open your soul is a good place to start.
*****
"Maybe the atheist cannot find God for the same reason a thief cannot find a policeman. " ~Author Unknown
*****
What we must realize is that prayer is not just a way to ask God to help us. It is also a way to ask God to help others. Even those who haven't discovered His calling plan.
And, if you can't seem to call on him in prayer, then text him. Write your prayers on paper,
your phone, the computer- anywhere that makes you feel as though your requests have been heard. And a Twitter several times during the day doesn't hurt a bit.

"Dear God, help me."
"Lord, I thank you."
"Where ya' at, today?"

Things like that.

And when your life is over, He's going to see your Facebook.
So live accordingly.
*****

"A little faith will bring your soul to heaven, but a lot of faith will bring heaven to your soul." ~Author Unknown
*****
If I have offended anyone, well...I can't say I'm sorry. Maybe this post will get you to think about prayer and the power that it can have in your life.
It's not a way to tell and get. It's a way to share and hope. It's a lifeline that keeps you connected with the one person who will decide your fate.
Just talk to Him like a friend. He really is your BFF.
I'd say it would be in your best interest to have God on speed dial.
And at the top of your Friends and Family list.
Remember- He doesn't care if you don't have a fancy phone. He prefers the bowed head and folded hands.
*****
"Sunday clears away the rust of the whole week." ~Joseph Addison
*****

Today's 5 things:
1. Pizza
2, Mittens
3. Pay-at-the-pump
4. Violets
5. Door mats

Songs We Must Sing

2010-01-20T05:46:00.008-06:00

"Sometimes you've got to let everything go - purge yourself. If you are unhappy with anything . . . whatever is bringing you down, get rid of it. Because you'll find that when you're free, your true creativity, your true self comes out.” Tina Turner
*****
There has been a quiet sadness in me lately. A quirk, a frayed end, a little wrinkle on the sheet of my life. A speck of something...A smudge of unknown fiber...A tiny thorn that causes distress when I go about my daily tasks.
I've spent the past few months trying to zoom in on the source- to identify the root and pull it quickly out.
Then I realized a strange thing. It was not something that existed within me.
It was something in me that was missing.
For whatever reason- laziness, lack of time, depression- I had let my creative urges sink to the bottom- drown under the pressure and responsibility of life.
And in not to letting them breathe, I was actually smothering myself.
*****
“There is only one of you in all time, this expression is unique. And if you block it, it will never exist through any other medium and it will be lost.” — Martha Graham
*****
Everyone should have a hobby- a creative outlet- a leisure activity that has no time limits or restrictions. You must be able to throw away the clock, ignore the phone calls, and let whatever is in you- flow. Until it stops flowing. Then you can go back to the kitchen and cook dinner or watch the football game or read a book.
Ignoring that voice that yearns for fun is like killing the kid within you.
*****
“Creativity is allowing yourself to make mistakes. Art is knowing which ones to keep.” - Scott Adams
*****
I used to always have some project in the works. Sometimes several at once. Maybe that's why there are a lot of unfinished ones.
But it doesn't matter. It doesn't matter if you have to throw the entire thing in the wastebasket-
it was time well spent.
Just as if you had lost a round of golf to your buddies. So what? You played, you learned, you enjoyed. You wouldn't refuse to play just because you thought you might lose. And it's the same way with art, with writing, with sewing, with woodworking- with any hobby. The fear of failure cannot exist.
I wasn't afraid when I painted my family room walls eggplant. (I love it!)
There was no fear when I decided that the dryer lint would make a great sculpting medium. (Although I was wrong.)
I didn't hold back when I decided I could write a blog and keep it going for a few months. (June will be 2 years).
Being wrong- failing miserably, or messing up doesn't matter. There are no rules. Nothing is lost.
I find that anything can be re-done, re-figured, re-painted or re-purposed.
Just wad it up and start over.
*****
"Of all the people I have ever known, those who have pursued their dreams and failed have lived a much more fulfilling life than those who have put their dreams on a shelf for fear of failure. " ~Author Unknown
*****
I started painting a new gourd this week. I don't know how I got started in that medium, but so far it has stuck. The only problem is where do you put a bunch of painted gourds? They are difficult to store, hard to handle, and make me sound like a weirdo.
"Oh, I'm the gourd lady." I smile.
Yeah. Sounds worse than the old cat lady.

(Click pics to enlarge)
*****
“There is a very fine line between 'hobby' and 'mental illness'.” ~Dave Barry
*****
This particular gourd started out with it's natural color. I decided to add some lines and triangles. I put it on a shelf where I could go by it several times a day and look at it.
After awhile, it just wasn't working for me. So, I painted it an earthy red. Added some Indian symbols and stripes to it. Looked at it for weeks and then realized it was never going to get finished because I didn't like it.
So, I painted it black.
Then added some color with a folded leaf design.
My husband told me it's not his favorite. Translation: It stinks. That sorta bothered me. I thought about putting it away or starting over again. He has this mind set that if it isn't perfect, why bother?
But, you know- I am willing to keep going because I like it. And that's what matters. It's just going up on the shelf with the others anyway. Giant dust collectors.
It's not like I have to eat it, wear it, or drive it.
*****
“A new idea is delicate. It can be killed by a sneer or a yawn; it can be stabbed to death by a quip and worried to death by a frown on the right man’s brow.” — Charles Brower
*****
Just adding this simple craft back into my life has sealed the tiny cracks- has healed that little wound- has calmed my stressful soul.
I feel happier. More relaxed.
The dirty dishes may be put off till noon. Dinner might be takeout tonight. The dust on the woodwork may have to wait another day.
But it's not killing anybody.
*****
“Today is life-the only life you are sure of. Make the most of today. Get interested in something. Shake yourself awake. Develop a hobby. Let the winds of enthusiasm sweep through you. Live today with gusto.” -Dale Carnegie
****
So- I'm adding more creativity to my life. Everyone should. Even if it's knitting while watching TV at night, keeping a flower garden, birdwatching, line dancing, coloring or tinkering.
It is a part of everyone that needs to breathe.
Another of the ten resolutions made better.
*****
“A hobby a day keeps the doldrums away.” -Phyllis McGinley

*****
Today's Five Grateful Things:

1.Old friends
2. Faithful dogs
3. Clean underwear
4. Glue sticks
5. Yellow

Oh, The Things They Remember!

2010-01-18T05:19:00.007-06:00

"A child enters your home and for the next twenty years makes so much noise you can hardly stand it. The child departs, leaving the house so silent you think you are going mad. " ~John Andrew Holmes
*****
I never really worried about having an empty nest. Knowing that my kids were going to grow up and leave someday was possibly music to my ears at times. No more fighting over clothes, curfews, MTV blaring, exorbitant grocery bills, lights left on in every room, and the day to day struggles to keep them all on the straight and narrow.
And, most importantly, I knew that my heart would never be empty. I had peace knowing that I gave birth to these children and their lives would always touch mine.
They might have left the nest, but we're all still roosting in the same family tree.
*****
"Your children vividly remember every unkind thing you ever did to them, plus a few you really didn't." ~Mignon McLaughlin, The Second Neurotic's Notebook, 1966
*****
Recently, my kids starting talking about the memories of their childhood. Warm thoughts about special holidays, fond keepsakes, family vacations and sweet bedtime stories.
I smiled continuously while I listened- nodding in satisfaction, and basking in a pride that swelled my head enormously.
"Do you remember how Mom used to yell at us?" the middle child asked.
"Oh...all the time,"my son agreed.
"Like a mean witch," the oldest chimed in.
"What???" I choked, practically falling out of my chair,"Are you kids delusional?
I was a good mother.
"We know that. You were a great mother," one of them said with a smirky smile, "But you used to tell us that if we didn't do something, you would beat us to a bloody pulp."
I laughed.
And laughed.
Hysterically.
Isn't it funny what kids remember?
*****

A mother becomes a true grandmother the day she stops noticing the terrible things her children do because she is so enchanted with the wonderful things her grandchildren do.
~Lois Wyse
*****
I have been blessed with grandchildren. And one goal for 2010 is to spend more time with them. One on one time. When they visit as a team, they veg out in front of cartoons, eat continuously or compete for my attention. I would love to be able to treat each one to their own special day. One child loves to paint, one loves reading, they both enjoy walks around the pond.
I think it would be great to be able to spend the afternoon playing with them. Curling up in a big soft chair with potato chips and Dr. Pepper- a giant story book- and no deadlines. No schedules.
...Or spread newspapers out all over the dining room table with tons of paints and brushes and canvas. To just let them swirl and dab and create- not worrying if they dip the black into the yellow or their fingers into the blue. No rules. No restraints. Just pure fun.
I want them to remember those times. Times with NaNa. Soft, inspirational, unforgettable days when they bloomed into being.
They will look back on it someday and realize how much I loved them.
Even if I may have, once upon a time, threatened to beat their mother to a bloody pulp.
*****
"Most grandmas have a touch of the scalawag." ~Helen Thomson

*****
Becoming a grandparent is like falling in love. You never really understand until it happens to you.
For years, my older sister drove me crazy with the photographs and stories of her darling grand kids. I secretly rolled my eyes - thinking how in the world could it be so glorious and perfect?
Well, now that I am a grandma, I am sure there are people who avoid me. Who detour behind the soda display or the shoe racks when they spy me coming.
It doesn't help that I practically have a rolling suitcase in hand- full of pictures and drawings and video-
ready to whip out at a moments notice.
"Oh- you have grandchildren?" someone will say.
And after an hour of cooing and giggling and smiling insanely over the pile of mementos, I realize that no one is really listening. No one really cares. They are secretly rolling their eyes.
And, in fact, they are ready to beat me to a bloody pulp.
*****
"My grandmother is over eighty and still doesn't need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle." ~Henry Youngman
*****
My grandmas were always very stern looking. Wore dresses. Hosiery. Rarely carried on conversations. Never took photographs. Never tucked us in or read us books.
I like to think my grand kids consider me fun. And funny. And easy to talk to.
I do wear jeans, utilize my camera at ever available chance, and read bedtime stories. I like to cuddle on the couch with them, watch Sponge Bob Squarepants, and share M&M's. I like to encourage them, compliment them and challenge them. All the while, having them gain respect, adoration and affection for me.
*****

"If I had my child to raise all over again, I'd build self-esteem first, and the house later. I'd finger-paint more, and point the finger less. I would do less correcting and more connecting. I'd take my eyes off my watch, and watch with my eyes. I'd take more hikes and fly more kites. I'd stop playing serious, and seriously play. I would run through more fields and gaze at more stars. I'd do more hugging and less tugging." ~Diane Loomans, from "If I Had My Child To Raise Over Again"

*****
Despite their distorted memories, I know that I have raised some wonderful children. And that their children are being raised in good homes- with good values.
Even at my age, I am still trying to be a better mom. It doesn't stop when they turn nineteen, or leave home, or have kids of their own.
Being a mom is a lifetime process.
It means having your heart broken a hundred times, but finding it can always be mended.
It means changing with the times, even if it's uncomfortable or ridiculous.
It means giving them space when all you want to do is cradle them.
It means letting go when you can't see where they're going.
It means letting them build their own nest, hoping it is secure and warm and won't fall out of the tree.
It means letting them remember things that you never really said-
and forgiving them if they insist that you did.
*****
"It's not only children who grow. Parents do too. As much as we watch to see what our children do with their lives, they are watching us to see what we do with ours. I can't tell my children to reach for the sun. All I can do is reach for it, myself. " ~Joyce Maynard
*****
I am hoping that the new year is a year of family time. Of renewed spirit. Of immense sharing and growth. Of reaching out and knowing my children and grandchildren for the people that they are. To learn their hearts, their dreams, and their hopes for the future.
All I can do is be here. To listen. To laugh, To occasionally give advice.
And to beat them to a bloody pulp if they disobey...
I'm still laughing about it kids! You warped little spoiled brats! lol
*****

"Grandmas are moms with lots of frosting. "~Author Unknown
*****

Today's five grateful things:
1. Valentines
2. Cheese
3. Special K with fruit and yogurt
4. Silence
5. Spring

Sisters, Socks, and Salad

2010-01-15T07:19:00.000-06:00

"The belly rules the mind." ~Spanish Proverb
   *****
Well, I said that I will concentrate on whatever of "the ten" comes to me in need. This darn diet/health/appearance/body thing just won't leave me alone. I can't seem to escape catching a glimpse of myself every time I pass a mirror in the house. Or hearing voices screaming "help me" from the bottom of the deep freeze- where I've hidden the Little Debbie frozen oatmeal cakes for future consumption.
And, it sure didn't help one bit to spend yesterday shopping for clothes with my little sister. And I do mean little. Makes me just want to take her thin little neck and choke her...
In a good way, of course.
*****

"Jealousy and love are sisters." ~Russian Proverb

   *****
If she had been someone else's sister trying on those small clothes, I wouldn't have noticed. But to realize that our blood and genes are the same- it seems totally unfair that our size charts differ so extremely.
And to make things worse, I was almost her size just two short years ago.
Until I loaded up on two years worth of food and made slothfulness my little friend.
Why?
The cookies and cakes and extra cheesy nachos were not that good. Not as good as it would have been to be trying on fun clothes and having a bit of sass in my step.
Special K with berries: $2.99
Cobb Salad with fat free dressing: $7.25
Grilled chicken with asparagus and baked potato: $10.00
Being able to wear yoga pants without looking like a giant bag of marbles: Priceless.
                                            *****

"A bagel is a doughnut with the sin removed. " ~George Rosenbaum
*****
I know that the main problem with my diet is that it keeps being postponed. It is always going to start tomorrow, or Monday or payday. But just like a tiny hole in your sock- if you don't mend it immediately, it finally spreads across the entire heel and toe until it's past fixing.
Crap.

I'm a dead sock.
*****
"Great restaurants are, of course, nothing but mouth-brothels. There is no point in going to them if one intends to keep one's belt buckled. " ~Frederic Raphael
                                          *****
I don't eat out much. And if I do, it's usually a special occasion or a vacation or a holiday.
(Hey! Isn't Monday Martin Luther King Day?)

The problem with smorgasbords is that they are the only restaurants where you can help yourself to seconds. And thirds. And the entire bakery.
I always lose weight whenever I am a patient in the hospital . No one there ever asks to have seconds of corn flakes, warm milk, applesauce and stiff meatloaf.
                                        *****
"A fruit is a vegetable with looks and money. Plus, if you let fruit rot, it turns into wine, something Brussels sprouts never do. "~P.J. O'Rourke
*****
I love vegetables. Cabbage, sprouts, squash, spinach, beans, tomatoes...But why is it that they taste a hundred times better drenched in sauce, dressing, cheese or butter? Life is totally unfair.
I realize that I am not doing a single thing by writing all of this. My blog is supposed to be about changing and how to go about it.
I really don't know. I suppose I have to start by making the right choices today. To not put things off. To get up and move. To get my mojo back before I turn into a fat old lady with stretch pants and a HoverRound.
Please- listen and learn. If you are sick and tired of multiple chins, a python waistline and those butt puppies fighting in your pants- then it's time to put down your fork and start today!
I choose to count points. It worked for me before.
I just don't know when I crossed the point of no return. Didn't see that one coming.
                                                     *****
"When the world says, "Give up,"
Hope whispers, "Try it one more time."
                        ~Author Unknown
*****
We must have hope. Vision. A good scale.
We must be able to look ahead to see ourselves as we want to be.
I want to be thin and tan and even have cute toes.
I want to run.
I want to play.
I want to live life to the fullest.
And I want to love shopping with my little sister.
(Without wringing her neck).
:)

                                                       *****
"Some see a hopeless end, while others see an endless hope. " ~Author Unknown
                                                         *****
Today's Five Grateful Things
1. sock monkeys
2. photographs
3. water
4. smooth rocks
5. Blue jays

Gravity Sucks

2010-01-13T05:59:00.003-06:00

"You start out happy that you have no hips or boobs. All of a sudden you get them, and it feels sloppy. Then just when you start liking them, they start drooping. "~Cindy Crawford
*****
Yesterday I thought long and hard about what to write this morning. I was torn between a few subjects, and then nothing at all. I literally drew a blank. My brain seemed totally silent.
Until this morning.
Then, I looked into the mirror and scared myself.
*****
“Yeah, I know I'm ugly... I said to a bartender, 'Make me a zombie.' Then he said 'God beat me to it.'” Rodney Dangerfield
*****

Appearance is something that we must work on our entire lives. Even once we have found love, God, the perfect weight, the best kids and the finest house- our appearance is a daily cycle of do-overs. It is never permanent, always changing, and the source of great concern and concentration.
A beautiful haircut one day can turn horrid overnight. A great complexion on Tuesday may be zit-ruined by Thursday, and thick eyelashes that once adored your eyes may now be growing from your chin.
Beauty is a full time job.
Sometimes it's fun. When you get to play dress up and spend money on new things and shop for new clothes and experiment with makeup.
But most times it sucks.
*****
"Just around the corner in every woman's mind - is a lovely dress, a wonderful suit, or entire costume which will make an enchanting new creature of her." ~Wilhela Cushman

*****
I have problems with my hair. Which probably explains why I hate women with beautiful hair. They make it seem so easy- like a fleeting afterthought before leaving the house- like "Oh, I guess I better brush my hair this morning." (Gag.)
Unlike myself, that has to wash, condition, mousse, part, brush, comb, blow dry, and style- and still look in the mirror with disgust.
I often wonder what I would look like if I had kept my natural color. I have some rather disturbing images in my mind.
The only reason I keep coloring my hair is because it's too much trouble going down to the DMV and changing my driver's license picture. That's all.
Sometimes I wish women would go bald. But then I'm always afraid that I'd be one of those women whose baldness was really ugly. My luck, I'd have a giant freckle or a cranial dent on my head for everyone to stare at.
*****

"Beauty isn't worth thinking about; what's important is your mind. You don't want a fifty-dollar haircut on a fifty-cent head. " ~Garrison Keillor
*****
I know they say that beauty is only skin deep, but that's all I'm asking for. I really couldn't give a flying monkey if my bones are pretty.
But, seriously- I know what they mean. That your beauty is what lies within your heart, your nature, your personality.
I'm hoping that's gonna get me through the next twenty years, or I'm seriously screwed.
*****
"It's important to have a twinkle in your wrinkle. " ~Author Unknown
*****
My goal for the new year is to improve in areas that are possible. My hair will have to find a new beautician, my face will search for new foundation, my breasts will look for a new bra and my butt- well...crap! There goes all my good intentions!
Face it- we can't have it all. Did you ever notice that most girls with beautiful eyes have large shoulders? Or that those with lovely lips have giant ear lobes?
The secret is to work with what you have. Nice eyes? Make sure they stand out. Tiny waist? Accentuate it. Gorgeous neck? Adorn it with fabulous jewelry.
I have nice hands. But they get tired when I hold them up in my face all day. That's the only way anyone ever notices them.
*****

"They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken. "
~Author Unknown
*****
Attitude is everything when it comes to appearance. You can be the most beautiful creature on earth, but if you cuss like a sailor and berate your friends and are constantly self-centered, ugly takes over. Big time.
And to me, there is nothing worse than a woman who announces her beauty to the world.
Because, hey- us other women aren't blind- we're just uglier than you!

****
"No matter how good she looks, some other guy is sick and tired of putting up with her crap. " ~Author Unknown
*****
No matter how bad you may feel, it's always a good idea to dress well everyday. Putting on attractive clothing and fixing your hair always seems to make things better. And if you plan on seeing anyone at all during the day, it's best to wear a bra and throw on some mascara, too.
Plus- you never know when Publisher's Clearing House might pull up to your door with a bouquet of balloons, a giant check, and a googly-eyed camera crew.
That's why I do it.
*****
"Shopping tip: You can get shoes for 85 cents at the bowling alley. " ~Author Unknown
*****
It shouldn't take a lot of money to look good. Soap, shampoo, and deodorant are always affordable. Most makeup lasts for awhile. Clothing can be worn until it goes out of style. Shoes- well- better get a bunch of them. Somehow society thinks that a woman needs to have a closet full of shoes in order to be pretty.
But I have never once been told how pretty I look when I'm wearing sweats, a greasy tee shirt, a pony tail, a brand new Nike's.
*****
“I was such an ugly kid - When I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up” Rodney Dangerfield
*****
Plastic surgery is always an option- if you like science fiction. I've seen creatures from outer space that look better than some movie stars who have gone under the knife.
Note to Hollywood: Plastic boobs don't bounce, firmed faces never frown, and tummy tucks are ....the source of my greatest envy!
But I suppose a little Botox here and a little Botox there wouldn't hurt.
Especially if you know for certain that the sweepstakes van is on its way over.
*****
"There is nothing touches our imagination so much as a beautiful woman in a plain dress." ~Joseph Addison
*****
I am going to work on my appearance this year. Find creative ways to use what I've naturally been given. You know- kinda like a pound of hamburger. It gets boring after awhile so you have to start using a differerent recipe.
Try not to get discouraged. I feel as though I've spent my entire middle age trying to keep my chins up.
But I hope that no matter how my hair, or skin, or body changes- that I will still be a good person inside. That I will be compassionate, unselfish, loving, funny, gentle, wise, and real.
Better go now. Gotta find a stamp for my Publisher's Clearing House return response envelope!
Keep smiling!
*****
"I hope you have lost your good looks, for while they last any fool can adore you, and the adoration of fools is bad for the soul. No, give me a ruined complexion and a lost figure and sixteen chins on a farmyard of Crow's feet and an obvious wig. Then you shall see me coming out strong. "~George Bernard Shaw, to Mrs. Patrick Campbell
*****
Today's Five Grateful Things
1. Ink pens
2. Songs
3. Good pillows
4. Electric blankets
5. Yellow finches

Color My World

2010-01-12T05:32:00.004-06:00

"My childhood smells like a box of Crayola crayons. " ~Jessi Lane Adams
*****

Creativity.
To me, it's that muffled voice that whispers while I'm folding laundry or scrubbing the toilet. It's that sweet shadow that follows me from room to room. It's that tremor in my hands that wants to paint and draw and play. Creativity is pouring my heart out into a hundred puddles of color.
*****
"To draw you must close your eyes and sing." Pablo Picasso
*****
I realized a long time ago that you don't have to be a Picasso or Ansel Adams or Armani or Stephen King in order to be creative. Creativity can be subtle, quiet, and even ordinary. It can be the simple lining up of cosmetics on your vanity- the smooth, round balls of clean socks in your drawer, the memo board with thick black words and tiny yellow tacks.
Creativity. We all have it. Yet, few pursue it.
*****
"Lying in bed would be an altogether perfect and supreme experience if only one had a colored pencil long enough to draw on the ceiling. "~G.K. Chesterton
*****
The problem I have had lately is that the dirty dishes and dusting and mundane chores have grown a louder voice than my creativity. How can I possibly think of dipping my brush into a palette of wet paint, when my dog needs bathing? How can I concentrate on words and poetry, when the bills drag me down with numbers and sums and brain-numbing balances? Am I supposed to be able to create a mural when the canvas of my life reeks of trash day and dirty toilets and floors that need mopped?
The secret is balance. Or the talent to hush the voices you do not wish to hear, and welcome the ones that you do.
*****
"If you hear a voice within you say "you cannot paint," then by all means paint, and that voice will be silenced." Vincent Van Gogh
*****
Most of what I create are simply experiments. Trials that turned into errors, wasted paper, ink, and paint, time spent moving, arranging, leveling and organizing objects.
The result of my efforts is not always a masterpiece, but it quiets the voices for awhile and gives me relief. It feeds the child in me that knows no boundaries- no rules- no limits.
The only voices that discourages me are those who don't understand me. My husband hates the fact that I must change the color of my walls so often. To me, it is like wearing soiled clothes. The freshness is gone, the vibrancy has fled, it no longer fits -and bores me to distraction.
I could not live with all white walls. It would be like surrounding myself with dry fish, constantly gasping for air because they have never gotten to breathe.
*****
"Art is when you hear a knocking from your soul - and you answer. " ~Star Richés
*****
Creativity is alive in everyone. We just have to be silent long enough to hear it, strong enough to trust it, and fearless enough to follow it. I truly believe that.
My sister Tina thinks she has no talent- no creativity. But yet, she would not leave the house without an ironed shirt and a shoe-matches-belt mentality. That is a type of creativity. Of order. Of knowing that she has arranged herself in a pleasing manner.
And makeup. What woman is not an artist that colors herself to be more attractive?
She is an artist of her own skin. She is creative with eye shadows and lipsticks and
blushes.
*****
"Inspiration exists, but it has to find us working." Pablo Picasso
*****
One great thing about taking your creativity out in your wall paint, is that it can be repainted.
Too orange? Not red enough? Another coat will fix that. A series of experiments will lead to success.
Don't be afraid. It won't bite.
If you're unsure of your choices, select cheap paint. But what is fifteen dollars for a
thousand days of pleasure?
*****
"Art is the only way to run away without leaving home. " ~Twyla Tharp
*****
When I was young, I dreamed of having an art set. There was something extremely satisfying to own my own tubes of paint, to touch the thin handles of camel-hair
brushes, to write across new canvas in words of color.
But when I finally owned my own tools, I was frugal with them. I was afraid to waste the paint, ruin the canvas, dirty the brushes.
They sat. And sat. And waited till I was sure of my inspiration.
It was a mistake I have learned to live with.
Your paint will dry up.
Your inspiration of pink petals and green meadows and indigo skies- will fade into dust on the television, lint on the carpet, and crumbs on the counter. You will eventually stop seeing with your heart.
And you will finally silence those voices forever.
*****
"When my daughter was about seven years old, she asked me one day what I did at work. I told her I worked at the college - that my job was to teach people how to draw. She stared at me, incredulous, and said, "You mean they forget?" "~Howard Ikemoto
*****
My goal is to take at least one day a week to pour out my creative spirit. To let the housework go for 24 hours. To indulge myself with childhood thoughts and fantasy.
To build and paste and form and mold and draw and trace and lose myself in another world.
A world where nothing is wrong, everything is right,
and no one cares about either.
*****
"In spite of everything I shall rise again: I will take up my pencil, which I have forsaken in my great discouragement, and I will go on with my drawing." Vincent Van Gogh

*****

Today's Five Grateful Things:
1. Online banking
2, Mittens
3. Tide
4. Velcro
5. Sweaters

The Ties That Bind

2010-01-11T05:23:00.004-06:00

"I don't believe an accident of birth makes people sisters or brothers. It makes them siblings, gives them mutuality of parentage. Sisterhood and brotherhood is a condition people have to work at." ~Maya Angelou

*****
It would seem that family relationships are one thing in life that comes naturally. You are born of the same parents- thrown together in the same toy box for years, and have no choice but to share what there never seems to be enough of.
But, when the toys are put away- the house you grew up in is occupied by strangers- and the frequency of your sharing dwindles down to a mere Christmas card- then family is something that takes work. At that point, it requires purpose and planning in order to keep the ties strong and the lines of love wide open.
I am guilty. I feel most badly about my brothers. I don't know much about their jobs, their concerns, their daily joys, or their dreams. And though I truly love each of their wives, I have not saved a spot in my life to get close enough to them.
I find it difficult to call my brothers, to open up about things- to pull them close like I have my sisters.
Maybe it's because I remember my brothers chasing us around with brooms and bats and mud dabber nests. I vividly recall pulling of hair, the torturing of dolls, and cheating at hide-and-seek. They got the first new bicycles, the first new cars, the biggest pork chops and the least amount of chaperoning.
Wow! Now come to think of it- no wonder we aren't closer! :)

*****
"Family quarrels have a total bitterness unmatched by others. Yet it sometimes happens that they also have a kind of tang, a pleasantness beneath the unpleasantness, based on the tacit understanding that this is not for keeps; that any limb you climb out on will still be there later for you to climb back. " ~Mignon McLaughlin

*****
I grew up with four brothers and four sisters. All from my two humble parents that miraculously raised us in a two bedroom house. (Unless you count the roll-away bed in the furnace room- then that made three.)
I don't know how they managed. No food stamps or public aid or charity. (Unless you count the box of clothes the church brought by twice a year).
Yet, I don't believe there was a single time in my childhood that I felt deprived.
I don't remember feeling cheated- I was certainly never lonely- and I do know I was loved.
My mom and dad didn't fight much.
Oh, there was an occasional argument over money, or us kids, or something unimportant that faded away in ten minutes. They rarely cursed and never drank and I don't remember dad ever being unemployed.
My brothers and sisters were the nucleus of my life then. They were my toys. My partners.( In crime and at Old Maid). But they were loyal and constant and we were forever connected by an invisible bond.

*****
"The family. We were a strange little band of characters trudging through life sharing diseases and toothpaste, coveting one another's desserts, hiding shampoo, borrowing money, locking each other out of our rooms, inflicting pain and kissing to heal it in the same instant, loving, laughing, defending, and trying to figure out the common thread that bound us all together. " ~Erma Bombeck
*****

Even the closeness I feel for my sisters is sometimes strained.
For years, we each had our young children to take care of- a family of our own to raise- a house to keep and a life to build. It wasn't until my eldest sister Barb was about to turn 50, that we suddenly realized that time had passed and there was a gap growing between us.
We always said that Mom had been the glue that kept the family together. So when she died, we had to make our own glue- our own way of staying attached.
Sister Weekends were invented out of this strange need to touch. To connect. To keep one another within view.
We spent the weekend scouting yard sales and flea markets, going to the mall, playing board games and sharing photographs. We laughed and talked and shared stories of our families. We reminisced, we cried, and we pulled our hearts closer.
About ten years later, Barb died.
And we realized that we had waited too long. That ten- eleven years- was not enough time to get to know her.
Life is short. Don't wait.
Start making the glue- NOW!
*****

"I know some sisters who only see each other on Mother's Day and some who will never speak again. But most are like my sisters and me... linked by volatile love, best friends who make other best friends ever so slightly less best. " ~Patricia Volk

*****
My sister Linda and I were closest. I think that had a lot to do with sharing a bed, a room, clothes, dolls -and a place of escape from our brothers. We were a team, a duo, a pair of gangly girls who loved music and nature and imagination.
Then later, she loved boys. I couldn't quite figure that one out, until I started liking boys. Then it all made perfect sense.
But even after we were both married and living in different towns, we kept communication. We worried about the other. We hoped and prayed and were joyful for each other.
Looking back, there were too many lulls, really. Too much time between letters or phone calls or visits. Time we can never get back. Regrets that cannot be erased.
The only thing we can do now is look forward and pull together.
*****
"Sweet is the voice of a sister in the season of sorrow." ~Benjamin Disraeli
*****
Right now Linda is going through a divorce. Life is hard. Unfair. Empty.
And what can I give her that she can possibly use to make things better?
I keep asking myself that question. I can't know the shoes she's wearing- so how am I to give advice? How can I try to steer her heart when I do not know how much it's broken? How can I tell her that it will get better when she doesn't want to hear it?
All I can do is listen. That's what good sisters do. That is the glue that will keep us together through this family loss.
Sometimes I feel as though I have lost my best friend. Her laughter is rare, her soul is bruised, her focus is only on the past.
But someday I know the sun will shine, the laughter will return, the days will flow
with sweet perfume and her heart will heal.
And I will be right here. Ready to greet her when she comes out of the storm.

*****
"To the outside world we all grow old. But not to brothers and sisters. We know each other as we always were. We know each others hearts. We share private family jokes. We remember family feuds and secrets, family griefs and joys. We live outside the touch of time." ~Clara Ortega

*****
I love my brothers and sisters. They are part of who I am.
But this year I will reach out- even if it's uncomfortable at first. I will open up the lines of communication and cross that family bridge. I will draw them in- to this circle of trust and blood and kindred spirits.
We will make the glue.

*****
"What greater thing is there for human souls than to feel that they are joined for life - to be with each other in silent unspeakable memories." ~George Eliot

*****
Today's Five Grateful Things:
1. Siblings
2. Hand lotion
3. Cereal
4. Blogs
5. Diaries

Carpe Diem- Seize The Day!

2010-01-08T05:18:00.006-06:00

"Don't refuse to go on an occasional wild goose chase - that's what wild geese are for. " ~Author Unknown

*****
One of the ten areas of my life that I've chosen to improve upon, is adventure. And sometimes it seems to me that it may be the most difficult.
It's like walking into the unknown. Going blind. Doing things I don't normally do or that are not currently in my zone of comfort.
It requires going outside of my mold and expanding my horizons.
And it used to mean- amusement parks!
My kids know that the last place on earth they would ever find me is on a roller coaster. Or a Ferris wheel, for that matter.
Any object that spins, oscillates, flips,curves, or flies - and you are expected to ride it, climb it or hold it-
Well... forget it.
I think I've finally figured out that my sense of fear outweighs my sense of adventure by a few gazillion miles.

*****
"It's not so much that we're afraid of change or so in love with the old ways,
but it's that place in between that we fear . . . .
It's like being between trapezes.
It's Linus when his blanket is in the dryer.
There's nothing to hold on to." - Marilyn Ferguson

*****
But now that I am older and my kids are grown, I look back and wish that I could have the chance again to ride the Runaway Mine Train or the spinning tea cups.
I wish I could go back and hold their hands as we slowly ascend the roller coaster-
and then fly downhill with a face-altering scream.
I wish I could go back and share their laughter as they faced white water rapids in their giant tubes or raced go karts till the place closed for the night.
But, that's the thing about fear. It keeps you from adventure.
And some adventures-
no matter how hard you may try to reenact them-
will never come again.
*****
" Life is not lost by dying; life is lost minute by minute, day by dragging day, in all the thousand small uncaring ways. " ~Stephen Vincent Benét

*****

I've vowed to be more adventurous this year, but I'm not so naive that I don't realize I will have to take small bites at first. I can't be expected to jump into the deep water when I can't even swim- or run a marathon when I can barely walk to the mailbox without getting winded.
I'm going to try the small stuff first, And, like they say- don't sweat it.
(I'll try not to).
I'll try to think of these first steps as though they lead up the mountain-
and once I get to the top, I can fly.
*****
"And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our fear, our presence automatically liberates others." - Marianne Williamson
*****

I've never tried sushi.
Never been on a plane.
Never been in a tanning booth, had a manicure or a pedicure, or learned to make pie crusts.
I've never traveled out west, grown an herb garden, or took up knitting.
I've never read the whole Bible, The Grapes of Wrath, or the entire Twilight series.
I've never eaten snails, had a Facebook page, or sat on a beach at sunset.
I realize that my "I've Never" list is so much longer than my "I Have" list.
Sad.
*****
"As you grow older, you'll find the only things you regret are the things you didn't do." ~Zachary Scott

*****
My fear of flying has kept me from imagining vacations in exotic places. Lately, I think about how big this world really is- and how little- how tiny- my space is. To die and not know the world almost sounds like a sin. Is that not why God made it?
For us to enjoy- to explore- to relish in it's beauty?
I am beginning to think I could survive being seat belted into a jet-if it meant seeing the Grand Canyon, walking through pineapple groves in Hawaii, or getting to the cruise ship on time.
Because I know that someday I may be all alone- wishing I could go back and do it.
That I could hold my husbands hand as we slowly descend the canyon on a donkey- and trot downhill with a face-altering scream...
I may wish I had seen the eagles fly, the buffalo roam, the starfish shine upon a beach of peachy sand.
I may wish I had touched the clouds, tasted the wind, and faced my fears.

*****
"Many of our fears are tissue-paper-thin, and a single courageous step would carry us clear through them." ~Brendan Francis

*****

If someone could promise you that you would not be hurt, get killed or laughed at or lost- would you do those things you fear?
I would.
If it were as easy as tying my shoes, I would already be in Vegas.
Just arriving from the airport and ordering sushi.
Fresh and vibrant in a dress and heels.
With a new manicure.
*****

"Worry gives a small thing a big shadow". - Swedish proverb

*****
So, this year, I'll be taking small bites. Tiny tastes of the unknown. Timid peeks at the monster under my bed.
Who knows? Someday you may find me swimming with the dolphins...

*****

"Life is a great big canvas, and you should throw all the paint on it you can." ~Danny Kaye
*****

Today's Five Grateful Things:
1. Noodles
2. Fabric softener
3. Snow tires
4. Clocks
5. Hot showers

Suck It Up. Pull It In. Roll It Back.

2010-01-07T07:41:00.001-06:00

"The chief excitement in a woman's life is spotting women who are fatter than she is." ~Helen Rowland
                                          *****

Well, we all knew that sooner or later, I'd get to the post about weight. It's kinda been like that big orange Hungry Monster on the Weight Watcher commercials. I've tried to ignore him -and talking about it just makes it worse. He's killing me. Literally.
My big plans for weight loss last year, fizzled into avoidance issues- and so I started this new year out with an extra two pounds. There are babies that size! I'm carrying around a little puppy- a kitten- a couple of pound cakes!
And I'm shortening my life...
Why can't losing weight be as simple as getting in the car and driving across town? Why can't we just get inside our own heads, steer toward the correct foods, and drive our way to skinny-dom?
Why can't we follow a diet like we follow a receipe for Three Cheese Lasagna?
Why can't we make good diet habits as well as we do grooming habits?
Why is it that some women can succeed at business, motherhood, and marriage,but fail miserably when it's time to diet?
I'm beginning to think there are no answers. You just gotta have faith, walk the straight and narrow- and ignore that Hungry Monster.
Kill him, actually.
                                                                    *****
"When I buy cookies I eat just four and throw the rest away. But first I spray them with Raid so I won't dig them out of the garbage later. Be careful, though, because that Raid really doesn't taste that bad." ~Janette Barber
                                                                     *****

Heaviness is a thief. It steals your energy, your glow, your relationships and your appearance. It doesn't care who it hurts- it just wants to be fed. It's counting on you to keep it alive - to keep sculpting this huge statue with cellulite and fat rolls and cholesterol clogged arteries.
Face it. It isn't pretty.Fat is ugly. Thin is in.
Or more importantly- healthy is what we should be striving for- not an impossible goal that we can never keep. It is simply a change of habit.
Now, how hard can that be?
Well, in my case, about as hard as winning the lottery.
                                                                       *****
"I bought a talking refrigerator that said "Oink" every time I opened the door. It made me hungry for pork chops." ~Marie Mott
                                                                     *****
We all know that the first step is getting rid of the temptation. Why would you want Brad Pitt naked in your bed- when you know it's not good for your marriage? Then why do we have donuts in our kitchen when we know it is bad for our health?
I keep saying I'm going to get a variety of fruit and vegetables and sort them into small baggies so that they will be easily accessible when a snack attack occurs. I love pears and pineapple and bananas. They are as good as cake and cookies and candy.
But if you place all of them in front of me- nine times out of ten- I'll choose the cake.
Same way with veggies. I adore broccoli, Brussels sprouts and cabbage, but given a choice-
I almost always choose pasta, salami and cheese.
I should not have choices!!!
                                                              *****

" I've been on a constant diet for the last two decades. I've lost a total of 789 pounds. By all accounts, I should be hanging from a charm bracelet." ~Erma Bombeck
   *****

I am in the process of inventing a brand new diet aid. It's called the "Meal Detector".

You know- like a metal detector. You set it up at the kitchen door and when you walk through it, it beeps an alarm if you attempt to bring anything into the house that isn't on the diet plan. There's the optional x-ray machine, too. It will find the candy bars hidden in the Tampax box or the Twinkies shoved into the cups of your new bra.

Think I could make a million!!!!

*****

"The one way to get thin is to re-establish a purpose in life." ~Cyril Connolly, The Unquiet Grave
*****

Seriously, we all know that we need to change. It's the thing we all wish for the most, but are the least willing to do. We aren't dumb. We know how. There are hundreds of books on the subject- thousands of products and aids- millions of reasons to choose the right road.
So, why am I walking backwards?

I suppose we need to make dieting our priority. Above dishes and laundry and dusting.
I'm guilty of running the vacuum while eating cold pizza. Or washing clothes while I munch on a Snickers.
If it takes leaving the dishes in the sink and the towels in the hamper for us to take the time to sit down and eat a decent meal of healthy food- then, by all means- let the house go! It is far better than letting the temple of your body turn into a Budda.
*****

You have brains in your head.
You have feet in your shoes.
You can steer yourself in any direction you choose.
You're on your own.
And you know what you know.
You are the guy who'll decide where to go.
~Dr. Seuss

   *****
I know that I have several things to look forward to this year. Things that should motivate me into getting fit. We are planning the first family reunion in several years, my husband wants to take a real vacation, and I need to be thinking about my son's upcoming wedding.
I don't want to be oinking at the trough or huffing across the campsite or waddling down the aisle.
I want people to look at me and think that I have made the right choices. That I am healthy. That I glow. That the Hungry Monster is finally dead. And buried forever.
But I have the steering wheel. I own the car. I know the map. I am the only one that can make myself start the journey.
                                                     *****

"It's not who you are that holds you back, it's who you think you're not." ~Author Unknown
                                                     *****
People do it every day. They win. They change.They don't give up.
We are as good as they are.
And as strong.
So we must imagine ourselves as successful.
Suck it up. Pull it in. Roll it back.
Breathe again....
                                                      *****
"When we lose twenty pounds... we may be losing the twenty best pounds we have! We may be losing the pounds that contain our genius, our humanity, our love and honesty." ~Woody Allen
                                                      *****
I want to do this so bad, I could cry.
And I do.
Sometimes the bathroom scale is like a knife that cuts me to the core, bruises my soul and slaps me in the face.
I hate it.
But I love it for it's honesty.
Even if we start this diet with a disillusioned heart, we must learn to make the best of it. To put forth our best smile, best food, (EDIT: Sorry- I meant to put the word foot here!) prettiest face, a winning attitude and a distant dream.
We must see the good and positive in ourselves, or how else will we deserve to win?
It can be done.
I just hope I can prove that this year.
*****

"People are crying up the rich and variegated plumage of the peacock, and he is himself blushing at the sight of his ugly feet." ~Sa'Di

The House That Love Built

2010-01-06T07:13:00.000-06:00

" We are all a little weird and life's a little weird, and when we find someone whose weirdness is compatible with ours, we join up with them and fall in mutual weirdness and call it love. " ~Author Unknown

Perhaps it is the fact that the stores are now filled with Valentines, or that my son just announced his engagement, but this morning my mind has been drawn to thoughts of love.
Love is many different things to many different people. When I was a child, love was my mother holding my hand, my dad buying me a Choc-cola, my sister letting me play with her dolls, and the way that birds fluttered in the sky. Later, it was a smile from a boy, a compliment from a friend- a record player with cool music.
Love grows. It divides. It does not stay in one form, but spreads into all the rooms of the heart. It is a chameleon- changing with the place, the day, the person. Love is every color of the rainbow, even in the midst of a storm.
Even the love I feel for my husband after thirty four years, changes with time. It matures. It revises. It enriches daily like a lush garden in the spring. But we must always tend to it. We must never leave it unattended or forsaken.
   *****

" If I had a single flower for every time I think about you, I could walk forever in my garden." ~Claudia Ghandi

*****
Love is not always easy.
Sometimes it can be Hell.
There will be fights over money, the kids, the remote control, the blouse you're wearing, the friends he keeps, the crappy car you drive, the leaky faucet, the scratchy bedsheets, the poopy dog...
But the thing about love is that it will gladly endure that Hell in order to make things right again. Love always strives to be on top- to be the best- to win out over selfishness, unfaithfulness, and indifference. It's a pretty strong love that can go through Hell, come back, and be stronger.
And then do the same thing over and over again for years and years.

                                                                   *****
" Tell me how many beads there are
In a silver chain
Of evening rain,
Unraveled from the tumbling main,
And threading the eye of a yellow star: -
So many times do I love again."
~Thomas Lovell Beddoes

                                                      *****

Sometimes I look back at my wedding and regret the things I didn't have. There were no flowers, no music- and I even wore pants. A local preacher married us at his house for ten dollars, we bought a bottle of champagne, and spent the night at our little rented farmhouse. Would I have liked to have some photographs, some different memories, a better story? Yes, but it is not the wedding that matters- it's the marriage.
The wedding is just the front door to the rest of your lives together.
What's inside- the things you build, nourish, embellish, and cherish- is the true foundation of your union.
And just because my front door is a little cheap, paint-worn, and outdated- doesn't mean my house isn't beautiful inside.
Love is what we make it.
                                          *****
" Chains do not hold a marriage together. It is threads, hundreds of tiny threads which sew people together through the years. " ~Simone Signoret
                                        *****

Love isn't always flamboyant. It isn't flashing, loud, pulsating or passionate. Sometimes it consists of unsaid words or deeds that build layers of trust and affection.
My husband doesn't realize that I always give him the softest towels, the biggest steak, the last cookie, and the best pillow. But it is a habit that I continue because it is my way of loving him. A secret sentiment that bonds me to him. A way to make him comfortable in this house of marriage.
Women-libbers hate me. I wash his back, lay out his clothes, run his errands, grant him the television, cut his toenails and take out the trash. But that is just my unspoken way of devotion.
Everyone has their own way- their own rules- their own house of love. Decorate it- fill it- build it any way that you see fit.
But do it together.
Yet-all the while, be only who you are. Don't fake it, force it, or forget it. Retain your identity- preserve your personality.

                                         *****
" Love is, above all, the gift of oneself." ~Jean Anouilh
                                         *****
A new marriage knows nothing of sadness, but it must be prepared for what is to come. There will be tragedies and sorrows. There will ultimately be the passing of parents, the death of dear pets, an unexpected illness, a financial setback. But we are not with our mate to only share the good times. We must be willing to cry- to allow our hearts to break a little- and all the while, be a comfort and a rock to one another.
In a good marriage, the sun will rise again, the smiles will return- the day will be new and promising.
                                       *****

" You learn to like someone when you find out what makes them laugh, but you can never truly love someone until you find out what makes them cry. " ~Author Unknown
   *****

One piece of advice I would give to my children is to never give up. Keep trying even through the worst storms- even when it seems there is no hope, because sometimes there is a spark that will ignite again. Don't leave after the first fight, separate at the first disagreement, grow bitter with jealousy...Treat the other with the respect and concern that you wish to be treated with.
However, if- after all remedies have run their course- all treatments tried, all mending tested- and there is positively no future- then don't be afraid to say so. Don't stay in a relationship that wilts your soul.

Someone once said that: to say your marriage was a failure just because you got a divorce- is like saying your life was a failure just because you died.
You can always build a new house with a new person. Just make sure you agree on the foundation.
A perfect marriage is an oxymoron. No one has it. Everyone wants it. It's not attainable.
I struggle everyday to keep an even keel. Marriage is hard work. But it is a labor of the heart and worth the effort.

Making your spouses day as sweet as you would wish your own, aids in a goal of harmony and
eternal happiness.

                                    ****

" Infatuation is when you think he's as sexy as Robert Redford, as smart as Henry Kissinger, as noble as Ralph Nader, as funny as Woody Allen, and as athletic as Jimmy Conners. Love is when you realize that he's as sexy as Woody Allen, as smart as Jimmy Connors, as funny as Ralph Nader, as athletic as Henry Kissinger and nothing like Robert Redford - but you'll take him anyway." ~Judith Viorst, Redbook, 1975
                                      *****

Sometimes I look at my husband and see George Clooney- hot, sexy, sophisticated, and delicious. But there are other times I see him as Pa Kettle- tired, used, eccentric and odd. Some days he is the very stars that shine. Other days he is Lucifer himself. One morning he is my sunshine, the next he is my rain. One evening he is the bright and glowing moon, others he is the darkness and the shadows.
But, through all that- I realize that I am the same wheel of personalities. (Yet, secretly hoping I am Sandra Bullock a lot more often than I am Ma Kettle!)
It is true love that can see beyond the smile, the eyes, the sports car, the bank account, the tan, the muscles, the boobs, the sex, the fun- and see the soul. And to love that very soul is the recipe for a good marriage.
*****

" 'Tis sweet to know there is an eye will mark our coming, and look brighter when we come." ~Lord Byron
                                        *****
No one can know your heart- or you theirs. How you live your life and build your dreams is up to you. But once you fall in love, you are a one-winged angel that needs the other one-winged angel in order to fly. Knowing when to land in unison and knowing when to soar together- is the secret.

                                      *****
" Love does not consist of gazing at each other, but in looking together in the same direction." ~Antoine de Saint-Exupery

Home Habits

2010-01-05T07:17:00.000-06:00

" Habit is habit, and not to be flung out of the window by any man, but coaxed downstairs a step at a time. " ~Mark Twain

*****

I'm in need of new habits. But, everytime I think about changing things- things end up changing me. I realize more and more that I have no control over certain aspects of my life.
But I do have choices.
I may not be able to stop the rain, but I can carry an umbrella.
I may not be able to get rid of my muffin gut, but I can try hiding it under a sweatshirt.

But like I've always said -I may not be able to organize my home, but I can stuff it in a closet and keep the door shut.

                                *****

"The truth is that our finest moments are most likely to occur when we are feeling deeply uncomfortable, unhappy, or unfulfilled. For it is only in such moments, propelled by our discomfort, that we are likely to step out of our ruts and start searching for different ways or truer answers."
M. Scott Peck
                                                     *****

I've learned from experience that bad organization can bleed into your finances- and that, in fact, they do go hand in hand. Messy finances lead to forgotten bills, overdue projects, lost receipts and unbalanced checkbooks. There is nothing more frustrating than searching hours for a bill that you misplaced, only to discover it is already days overdue and has cost you a ridiculous late fee.
In the past I have purchased accounting books, special software, rolling file boxes and giant journals. All seemed hauntingly intimidating from the start. Many were too difficult to understand, utterly complicated or more than my simple household budget required.
I'm trying my best to get more organized.I just bought new files, a notebook, a calculator, and a pencil sharpener.
And I sat them on my desk where I have stared at them for five days.
They are really colorful and cute, but I'm not sure where to start.

I'm an ostrich. A procrastinator. A putter-offer.
But I vow today that I will remedy this weakness within me.

   *****

"Nothing is so fatiguing as the eternal hanging on of an uncompleted task." ~William James
    *****

Someone once said that an organized home should start by making the bed each morning. I believe it. How else are you going to find those socks you tore off your sweaty feet at midnight? Or those pitiful Fruit of the Loom boxer shorts with the torn elastic waistband?
Starting from the bottom sheet, rip everything off your bed, and replace it as though you're decorating a cake.
Layer of sheet, blanket, comforter- and top it off with a luscious pillow!
Now that your bed looks great, it makes you want to straighten the rest of the room. Put away shoes, pick up towels, hang coats. Dust dresser, straighten blinds, pull curtains. Great habit to get into!
But the real reason to make your bed first thing every morning, is so that you will not be tempted to crawl back into it. Because if you do, nothing else will get done and this organization thing will be failed from the start.
Make your bed. See how liberated you feel by clearing that one simple obstacle.
   *****
"My second favorite household chore is ironing. My first being hitting my head on the top bunk bed until I faint." ~Erma Bombeck
   *****

Simple tasks like sweeping the walk, straightening the magazines, keeping the sink free from dirty dishes are things that take little time, but make a big difference. I find that a clean house is a peaceful house.
But I don't iron. I don't wash windows very often and I'm not sure where I put the good scissors.
So, I realize that there is room for improvement everywhere I look. My goal is to get more detailed about organizing my home.
   *****

"I'm not going to vacuum until Sears makes one you can ride on." ~Roseanne Barr

    *****
Luckily, I have a great husband that can do repairs when the house needs a fix. He's roofed and plumbed and electrified. He's surround-sounded, tiled, carpeted and concreted.
He's even taught me how to change the weed eater string and how to open up the drain and remove nasty hair clogs.
Fun stuff.
But it's maintenance that keeps it from all falling apart later.
All part of a organized home...

                                     *****
"One only needs two tools in life: WD-40 to make things go, and duct tape to make them stop. " ~G.M. Weilacher

*****
The success of any change is adopting new habits. I realize that I have some bad habits. Like stuffing my bills into a WalMart sack, putting dead batteries back into the drawer,
buying and opening a new jar of pickles before the old one is gone.
Stuff like that.
So, here's to a "made" bed.
Sparkling windows and freshly ironed clothes.
A clean walk and a flowing drain.
Organized finances and a neat closet.

I'm ready now.
Bring it on!
*****

"He is the happiest, be he king or peasant, who finds peace in his home." ~Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

   *****

Questions Of The Heart

2010-01-04T05:57:00.002-06:00

( This entry is not a very positive way to start out the new year and my new blog. But this has weighed heavy on my mind and I have found some comfort in writing about it. I am sure you have all experienced something similar. )

*****

Tears have a wisdom all their own. They come when a person has relaxed enough to let go and to work through his sorrow. They are the natural bleeding of an emotional wound, carrying the poison out of the system. Here lies the road to recovery. --- F. Alexander Magoun
*****

Most people think of their heart as a little valentine. But I see my heart differently. To me, it's a house. It's a place of a hundred doors and a hundred rooms, each one opening to a memory or a thought - or even a dream.
I keep my dreams in the attic. Aloft like the stars, floating like un-tethered kites that drift about until I grasp them by the tail and pull them into reality.
The main floor has rooms of faces and places that make up my day.
One room is my husband. It's warm in there. And sweet. And full of gentle kisses.
Another room is my children. Echoing with laughter and quilted with apron strings. Bursting with pride. Soft with memories.
Then there's a room with my grandchildren. It's bright and airy and playful there. And imagination reigns.
At the end of the hall, other doors lead to lost parents and siblings and friends. Those rooms smell of tears and fresh roses and fading time.

But for awhile now, there's been a secret room in my basement. I try to keep it closed, but sometimes I can't. Sometimes the wind blows hard and forces it open. Other times I peek inside on purpose. But each time it unlocks, my house floods with tears.

*****

" Every man has his secret sorrows which the world knows not; and often times we call a man cold when he is only sad."

Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

*****

I try not to talk about it- or even think about it- and I realize now that has been the problem. I've bottled it up to where it hurts- squeezes me into a strange pain. Haunts me in ways no one can understand.

Last June my daughter's boyfriend committed suicide. It's bad enough that he is gone- but to go like that- is unimaginable-horrific-and troubling. Every single day I ask myself why. And every single day, I make up answers. He was sick. He was sad. He was lost. He was weak. He felt hopeless. He felt unloved. He felt tortured. But no answer ever fits. No excuse ever warrants the fact that he is now gone from this earth forever.

*****

"  You could be happy and I won't know 
But you weren't happy the day I watched you go 
And all the things that I wish I had not said 
Are played in loops til it's madness in my head"

                                   Snow Patrol lyrics: You Could Be Happy

*****

I probably only saw him a half dozen times, but I was always friendly and tried to make him feel welcome. But I really didn't go out of my way. I don't regret anything I said to him, but, yet, the things I didn't say. The smiles I didn't give. The reassuring laugh. The invitation to dinner. The compliment on his new shirt or hat. The unspoken halo of acceptance that could have pulled him into our family circle.

*****

" Too often we underestimate the power of a touch, a smile, a kind word, a listening ear, an honest compliment, or the smallest act of caring, all of which have the potential to turn a life around." - Leo Buscaglia

*****

For months I made up wild, fantastical, unrealistic games to bring him back. If I would do ten more sit ups, I could stop him. If I would quit eating for a week, I could grab his hand and pull him back. If I would walk a mile, I could find him and change his mind. If I would lose twenty pounds, I could turn back time. If I would wake up, I'd see it was only a dream.

But after torturing myself, I realized that it did no good to wish away the truth. There was no way to change what had already been done.

And then the spiritual aspect began to trouble me more profoundly. Where did he go?

*****

" There is no death. The stars go down
    To rise upon another shore,
And bright in heaven's jeweled crown
   They shine forevermore."
                (By John McCreery)

*****

It's just not the same as when my grandparents or parents or sister died. I was certain that they would go to heaven. But I had always been taught that if you take your own life, you do not.

Is this why I cannot shake this grief? I did not even really know this young man, but the whole aspect of his death will not leave my head. I feel that I cannot rest until I know he is in a better place. But, I will never know- so it is a vicious circle. Like a tornado that twists up from the basement of my heart and damages my life.

I realize that I'm spending too much time in the basement. I need to be upstairs laughing and planning and breathing fresh air. I must focus on the beautiful things in my life and be forever grateful for God's grace.

This new year is about changes and I must let my faith cross this bridge before I drown. I must believe that God has a plan and all I can do is pray. Sounds simple enough, but it is difficult. How do you ask God for something you are not sure is His will?

I received a Bible for Christmas that will lead me through the scriptures in a year. I am hoping that this knowledge will be a comfort and a lesson. I am praying that I can leave this incident in God's hands and close that basement door forever.

*****

" ...That the hour of our death is appointed by Jesus. We are laid asleep by Him. Just as the mother knows the best hour to lay her little one in its couch or cradle; undresses it, composes it to rest, sings its lullaby, and the cherub face, lately all smiles, is now locked in quiet repose. So Christ comes to His people at His own selected season, and says, 'Your hour of rest has arrived. I am to take off the garments of mortality. Come! I will robe you in the vestments of the tomb.' He smooths the narrow bed, composes the pillow, and sings His own lullaby of love, 'Fear not, my child, for I am with you, sleep on now and take your rest!'"

*****

We all have those rooms in our heart that no one ever sees- places in our minds that we don't talk about. But there will always be those shadowy questions that lay upon us in our moments of quiet and contemplation. It is those times that we must find our true faith and hush those ghosts. We must accept those things we cannot change. We must bring our grief up from the basement and let it flow into our lives. It will eventually seep through the cracks, push open the windows, and find a way out the back door.

*****

"We can only be said to be alive in those moments when our hearts are conscious of our treasures. " ~Thornton Wilder

Glitch Fixed?

2009-12-29T09:33:00.000-06:00

My sister informed me that she wasn't able to
leave a comment, so I played a bit with my format
and I hope it's working now.

I sure appreciate all your comments!
Thanks everyone!

Highlights

2009-12-28T06:22:00.000-06:00

Officially by new blog doesn't start till the 4th, but I'm just trying to give it structure. To introduce it ahead of time. In case you're interested...

I've decided that in addition to my (hopefully) daily post, I will add five things that I am grateful for. Not only will this cause me to be more aware of the things around me, but also humble me into enjoying the simple things we all take for granted.
For example:

Today’s Five Grateful Things:

1. Warm blankets
2. Scented soap
3. Flannel jammer pants
4. Hazelnut coffee creamer
5. Paper towels

What are yours?

Prelude To A New Beginning

2009-12-24T15:44:00.000-06:00

"Every man should be born again on the first day of January. Start with a fresh page. Take up one hole more in the buckle if necessary, or let down one, according to circumstances; but on the first of January let every man gird himself once more, with his face to the front, and take no interest in the things that were and are past. " ~Henry Ward Beecher

*****
New beginnings are always difficult at first. Uncomfortable- like a shoe that doesn't fit right. Like a new taste in your mouth that you're afraid to swallow.

But you do.

Sometimes in tiny sips at first, then with giant gulps. But each day it gets easier and tastes better... and you keep drinking. Because you know that not beginning- not moving forward- is like slowly dying of thirst.

New beginnings are like strapping on a backpack of dreams and heading down a road with no map. The only compass you have is your soul- its needle fluttering in your heart like a lost bird. But you think to yourself that if you ever find your way- your footing- your destiny- then your wings will spread and soar. That there will be no limits on what you can do and where you can go and who you can be.

New beginnings can be exciting- like sweet air that has never been breathed. Of eyes that see clearer- and of faith that has been renewed.
*****

"All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter another." ~Anatole France

*****
There is a vast difference between a resolution and a promise. Resolutions are merely wishes- meant to be broken- mostly quick thoughts made on a whim- hopes of things that might change.

But promises are the vows you make to yourself. Your body. Your being. You seriously know that it's no longer play time or dress rehearsal- that this time the promises are real. And your life will be changed completely.
At the onset, change is selfish. All encompassing and self-centered. But success depends on shutting out the undesirable, the tempting, the wicked and the lazy.
Our focus must be on ourselves- at least for a little while.
But like a great river, once you grow and change, your life will branch out in a hundred generous fingers- touching other lives that are made even better by your transformation.
*****
"Time has no divisions to mark its passage, there is never a thunder-storm or blare of trumpets to announce the beginning of a new month or year. Even when a new century begins it is only we mortals who ring bells and fire off pistols." ~Thomas Mann

*****

I've spent months looking for the right place to start. The best day to open the gate and begin sprinting.
It was like losing the end of the scotch tape- I kept rolling it over and over in my mind- pecking at pieces- unraveling a little bit here and there- and then giving up completely. Excuses have kept me from finding the starting place, even though it was here all along- like a shadow that needed only to be seen.
Here it is.
And it is now.
*****

"We spend January 1 walking through our lives, room by room, drawing up a list of work to be done, cracks to be patched. Maybe this year, to balance the list, we ought to walk through the rooms of our lives... not looking for flaws, but for potential." ~Ellen Goodman

                                                                        *****
The ten areas of life that I am going to focus on will be at random. There will be days when my marriage is perfect, my creativity is in tune, my family is happy. But there will be the days my house is a mess, my finances are shot, my diet is out of control and I look like a bag lady.
Each day I will improve on the things that come to me in need. Although I will be aware of all ten-( at all times )- ready to give attention to anything out of whack -of a puzzle piece that gives me trouble and refuses to fit.

                                                      *****
"The object of a New Year is not that we should have a new year. It is that we should have a new soul and a new nose; new feet, a new backbone, new ears, and new eyes..." ~G.K. Chesterton
                                                       *****

By no means am I saying that I know the rules- that I know the secrets and the path to make it all easy. I am only here to tell you my route- my experiments- my participation and my struggles.
I am not here to win the race, set the bar, or write the song. I am just here to better myself in all ways possible... For life is short and we are mortal.
There will be times I'll fall flat on my face, pull up short, veer off course, lose my bearings and sit down in the middle of the road and cry.
But this time - this year -I will never stop trying.
                                                     *****

"God will not look you over for medals, degrees or diplomas, but for scars. " ~Elbert Hubbard

An Experiment Of Life

2009-11-28T18:11:00.007-06:00

The beginning of a new year always brings the chance for change. Most times we welcome it- even embrace it- hoping that this time will be different... That this year will be the year when all resolutions are carried out successfully... That we will finally become the person we aspire to be.
I personally have aspects of my life that I wish to improve. This blog is my journey into changing those aspects. Ten important areas will be my focus as the next twelve months unfold:

1.   Health
2.   Weight
3.   Appearance
4.   Home
5.   Finances
6.   Marriage
7.   Family
8.   Spirituality
9.   Adventure
10. Creativity

I'm setting out to prove that it can be done. That with faith and willpower and deliberate changes, a person can better themselves immensely in the space of one year.
Welcome to the trials and tribulations -to the tears and laughter- to the mistakes and obstacles and complete joys. Follow my failures and my triumphs.
As I take on Ten in '10...

Beginning January 4th, 2010.